


Unfamiliar Fears

by venivan



Series: Unfamiliar Fears Series [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, But also positive stuff I promise, Gen, Kidnapping, Poor Yamaguchi doesn't deserve any of this, So much angst, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-05-31 10:20:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 32,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6466510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venivan/pseuds/venivan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As soon as you  get into a situation that could possibly threaten your life, your whole world swifts. You will immediately go from “living” to “surviving”.  Suddenly, in this one moment, you will realize a few things that you have never realized before: how vulnerable you are, how easy it is to break you, and how much you don’t want that to happen. </p><p>For Yamaguchi Tadashi, This moment comes when two strange men wait for him at the gate of his house. Will he be able to deal with this sudden confrontation of danger, or will he break under the pressure of all the unfamiliar fears that force their way into his head?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody!
> 
> This is my first fanfiction, so I hope you like it.
> 
> I did my best to erase any grammar/spelling mistakes, but feel free to message me if you still find any. English is not my native language, so it could be that I missed something.
> 
> Enjoy the fic!

As soon as you get into a situation that could possibly threaten your life, your whole world swifts. You will immediately go from “living” to “surviving”.  Suddenly, in this one moment, you will realize a few things that you have never realized before: how vulnerable you are, how easy it is to break you, and how much you don’t want that to happen.

You will be drenched in the fear of losing your life, and in this extreme state of panic, you will start thinking. You will start thinking about who you are, what you want in life, what you don’t want in life and who are important to you.

You will know that, will you survive this, life will never be the same. It will always be coloured by these events that once almost took everything away from you. And even if you will be able to go back to safety, you will never be able to go back to the you that you where before all of this happened.

Luckily, most people don’t have giant trauma’s that disturb there normal life and pull them into hell. Most people don’t have to be scared for their lives.

And Yamaguchi was one of these people. Or so he thought.

He had an easy life. He lived in a big house outside of town with a beautiful garden and two lovely dogs. He was only child and never had to worry about money, because his parents were pretty rich. He was smart, not overly smart, but smart enough for people to raise their expectations a little bit higher, and he knew that if stuff would get rough, his parents would always have enough money to support him. While other student worried about getting a job to pay for college, he knew that he could always rely on the wealth of his family.

Yamaguchi didn’t know that this so called “easy life” would turn for the worst really soon.  He didn’t know how cruel the world could be for people like him.

But even though he was rich, he personally never felt like he had it so much better that other people. Being Yamaguchi Tadashi came with its own set of difficulties.

One of these difficulties was the fear. Yamaguchi had always been prone to being afraid. Right now, he was riding home on his bicycle, the wind in his back, the sun on his face, the encouraging words from his teammates during practice in his head, and his homework almost finished. He felt relatively relaxed, but he still felt a little uneasy. This tiny bit of nervousness would never leave his side. It would grow if he had to talk to people or if he had to make a test, but even if he was just riding his bike, he couldn’t help but feel a little tense.

Another difficulty was the distance that he often felt between him and other people. He didn’t like to mention his family at school. The only one who had ever seen his house was Tsukki, and he intended it to keep it that way. Tsukki was the only one who didn’t treat Yamaguchi differently just because of his family’s wealth.

Other kids were jealous of him and saw him as a spoiled rich kid who thought he was better than everybody else. It didn’t matter how hard Yamaguchi tried to be likable, how hard he tried to fit in, how hard he tried to be humble, he always fell prey to bullies. People simply expected him to be an asshole, just because he was rich. This eventually made him feel ashamed of his home, and he had come to a point where he didn’t dare to tell anybody about where he lived.

Still, even worse than the kids, where the adults. Instead of looking down on him, they looked up to him, and expected him to do better than other kids. Every time he told his father about the bullying in school, he was told that he should just be a man and stand up for himself.  ‘you are a member of this family after all,’ his father would say,  as if that somehow made him a stronger person. Fancy aunts and uncles had been asking him what he wanted to be when  he grew up since he was a little kid, and they were never satisfied with little kid answers, so five year old Yamaguchi heard himself saying stuff like: “ I want to be a doctor,” or “I want to be lawyer,”  or “I want to do what dad does.” He didn’t know what his dad did, but as long as his family was satisfied, he didn’t care.

When he came home with a low grade, his parents always got angry, even though Yamaguchi truly tried his best. He could learn pretty well, but he wasn’t some miracle student who could just roll through school in the blink of an eye.  Even his teachers expected him to get better grades that everyone else, and Yamaguchi felt a lot of pressure to be someone he simply couldn’t be.  He didn’t know how to deal with stress, and even now, In high school, he was still very insecure about himself.  He always hid behind Tsukki’s back and was afraid to do stuff without his blond, sarcastic friend at his side.

Today, Yamaguchi’s parents would both be gone, and that made him feel a little relieved. Being home alone was one of Yamaguchi’s favourite things to do, It gave him a little room to breathe. At school there where expectations to maintain, at home there where expectations to maintain, so Yamaguchi didn’t have any way to escape the stress if it all became too much. Luckily, his parents where gone pretty often, and Yamaguchi always looked out to those days.

Sadly, he would never actually make it home today.

And even though he had felt a lot of fear in his life, the fear that he was about to feel would be far worse that he could ever imagined.

Yamaguchi saw himself as a coward. He could be an anxious mess. Sometimes, he felt like he had everything together, but at other times he was disappointed about how scared he could get from little things.

Like how he hadn’t told his parents that he played volleyball yet. How he had told them he studied in the time that he trained. How he was afraid they would make him quit.

It were all simple fears, really. Simple, annoying, but manageable fears.

Yamaguchi knew that people envied him for his simple fears, his simple life. They envied how he never had to be scared about money or jobs. He was aware of the jealousy that other people felt toward him. He was even aware of the hate that surrounded his family. What he wasn’t aware of, was to what lengths some people would go to act on that jealousy. 

Yamaguchi was prone to fear. But he also tried to trust people. He hoped that by being open and kind, he would get people to like him. He always tried to believe people had good intensions. So when he came home, and he saw a strange car parked in front of his driveway, he wasn’t suspicious. He wasn’t  scared. He was just a little surprised.

He didn’t know that this ‘surprise’ would soon, very soon, turn into his biggest nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was the first part! This is really just a prologue, and I mostly just wanted to get into Yamaguchi's home life, and set up the tone for the rest of the story.
> 
> I will update the next chapter very soon, so I hope you'll stick around.
> 
> Feel free to command and thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

The car was parked next to the fence that separated the garden from the road. Next to the car stood  two man, both with a serious look on their face.

Yamaguchi stepped of his bike and stared at them for a good few seconds.

One of them was thin but long, and had short blond hair. Was he a foreigner? He looked at Yamaguchi with a sincere smile.

 The other one also smiled, but Yamaguchi couldn’t feel much sincerity in it. He had a calm but cold look in his eyes that reminded Yamaguchi of some family members that he didn’t like. His black hair was camped back, and he wore a short sleeved shirt that showed his big arms. Even though Yamaguchi was feeling quite confident today, he still couldn’t help but to feel intimidated by this man.

He took a deep breath and intentionally looked at the blond guy. “are you here for my father?” he asked, “because I am afraid he isn’t home today.”

The man smiled at him and stepped closer. “no, we don’t need your father,” he said, “are you Yamaguchi Tadashi?”

Yamaguchi nodded, not sure what these man wanted from him.

“excellent!” the man said, while rubbing in his hands. “can you come with me for a second? I have something for you. It’s in the back of my car.”

“sure.”

 Yamaguchi felt uncomfortable, but he didn’t really know why. Maybe it was the way they looked at him? The black haired man seemed to follow every movement that he made, while the blond just kept smiling in a way that suddenly didn’t feel that real anymore.

While Yamaguchi placed his bike to the fence he also noticed there was a third guy, sitting behind the wheel in the car. Who were these people? What did they want from him? What did they want to give him? Was this some sort present for his family? His father would have told him if people would have brought something, right?

Yamaguchi walked to the back of the car, together with the blond dude.  Everything about this situation felt off, but Yamaguchi seriously started feeling suspicious when the trunk of the car was opened and there was nothing there. Sadly, it was already too late when that happened. Way too late.

Yamaguchi got one second to look at the blond in confusion before somebody grabbed both of his arms and turned them on his back. He screamed because it hurt, but more because he was completely shocked by what happened.  He tried to pull his arms free, but miserably failed. His attacker, the black haired dude, let go of his left hand and immediately put a strong arm around Yamaguchi’s neck.

Yamaguchi tried to scream, but he almost choked. The arm around his neck made it hard to breath, let alone make sound, and he couldn’t pull it away with his tiny left hand. His right arm was still stuck on his back, and he felt a sharp pain in his shoulder. He struggled and pulled, but there was just nothing he could do against a grown up man.

The blond just stood there and looked at him. “I’m sorry, Yamaguchi,” he said with a smile, “we don’t want to hurt you. It just that we need something from your family, that all.”

_Let me go! Let me go!_

Yamaguchi wanted to scream so bad. But the only sounds that came out of his mouth where slow choking sounds, and they all hurt his throat.

“If you just cooperate,” the blond man continued, “everything will be over before you know it.”

_I don’t want this! I don’t want this! I don’t want this!_

Yamaguchi tried to look angry, but he knew it wasn’t very convincing.  The blond dude now stood uncomfortably close, and Yamaguchi tried to turn his head away. Just looking at the man was painful for some reason. It was like a confrontation with reality, and if there was one place he didn’t want to be right now, it was reality.

_Why does this happen to me?_

That thought had been dominating his mind multiple times in his live, but it had never been as strong as right now.

_Why does this happen to me? What did I do wrong? Why do I deserve this?_

There was no answer to those questions. There was  fear. There was panic. There was anger. There was pain. But no answers.  And for some reason, that really pissed Yamaguchi of. He wanted to know what was happening to him, but all he knew was that he just really, really, really didn’t want to be here right now.

The blond haired dude reached out to Yamaguchi’s pockets and quickly pulled his cell phone out.

That was the moment that Yamaguchi felt tears stinging behind his eyes.  He didn’t know why, but when his phone disappeared in the pocket of this unknown man, it felt like the last part of his safety disappeared with it. And he hated it. He didn’t want to cry, he didn’t want to have to fight the urge to cry, and he didn’t want to be in the situation he was in.

But there was nothing he could do.

“let’s get this over with,” the black haired man mumbled.

_This is bad. This is bad. This is really, really, bad._

“help me get him in the trunk.”

_No. no. no. I don’t want to. I don’t want to._

Yamaguchi tried to fight. He struggled. He pulled and pulled till both of his arms hurt. he tried to bite in the hand around his neck. He screamed even though there was no sound. He kicked as hard as he could. But it was all for nothing. He got to kick the black haired man’s shin once, but he immediately  felt de arm around his neck tense so much that he could hardly breathe. he panicked and all his limps went numb. For on second, he just hung in the man’s arm.

This was the sign for the blond man to come in. he grabbed one of Yamaguchi’s feet, and before the boy could even try to give one kick, they threw him in the trunk.

“aaaaarggh,”

It was strange to hear his own voice again. It sounded panicky and scared.

As soon as his body made contact with the bottom of the trunk,  he tried to fight his way out if it.  He made an attempt to crawl out, but the black haired man immediately kicked him in the stomach. He screamed, again, and was completely  got off guard by the sharp and violent pain. There was another kick, against  his chest. One against his head. His instincts kicked in, and he automatically pulled his legs up and turned himself into a ball to protect his stomach and head.

BOEM! The had closed the trunk.

Suddenly, it was dark. He kicked against the side of the trunk, but it was hopeless. He could never get out of here. _He could never get out of here._

That thought felt more painful than any kick he had received. He clenched his hands into fist, more out of fear than out of anger.

_I don’t want this, I don’t want this._

“Isamu,”

The sound inside of the car where vaguely hearable.

“get going. I want to be there in an hour.”

The car started driving. Yamaguchi was hopelessly trapped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second chapter! I'll try to keep my chapters nice and short, so I can update frequently.


	3. Chapter 3

The car ride was hell.

For a second, it was silent. Then, the motor started. As soon as Yamaguchi felt the car moving, he panicked.

_This can’t be happening. This can’t happening._

But it was happening. And there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing he could do to save himself. The fear he felt was unbearable.

It was pitch dark in the trunk. There was hardly any room to move. The only thing he could do was lay in foetus position and wait. Wait for whatever was coming for him. He didn’t want to think about it.

Because he laid in the trunk of the car, he could feel every movement that the vehicle made. With every bump in the road his body shoved back and forth, and It felt like a constant reminder of the situation he was in. He laid in a car that was going to bring him to a place he didn’t know, and that was terrifying. He was here against his will. He had lost control over his life.

He didn’t want to think about the fact that he was where he was. Every time that his body hit the side of the trunk because of a rapid turn or an acceleration of the car, he felt his panic rise. It made him feel claustrophobic. Unsafe.  Out of control.

His breathing became more rapid and unstable with every second. It scared him to death that he didn’t only lose control over his situation, but now also over himself.

He had to keep himself calm. As calm as possible.  So he did everything he could to forget where he was. He didn’t scream, cry, kick or lose control. He pulled his legs up to his chest and swung his arms around them, turned himself into the smallest ball he could and closed his eyes.  The darkness that he saw with his eyes closed felt safer than the darkness that he saw with his eyes open. With his eyes closed, he could still pretend there would be light if he would open them, he could still pretend like he wasn’t in a small cramped space, he could still pretend that he was just laying down to rest, and that he could stand up whenever he wanted.

At some point or another, Yamaguchi almost lost himself into his own fantasy, but the movements of the car always ruthlessly pulled him back into reality. These where the moments that his eyes would open as wide as they  could and his body would make weird, panicky movements. His foot would harshly hit the side of the trunk and he would lose the control over his breathing. His tears would start flowing and he would try to push against the lid of the trunk to open it, only to realize that if it would actually open, he would probably fall out of a fast driving car, and die. Then he would clench his hands to fist and push them into his stomach, hoping that his breathing would return to normal.

_I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be okay._

He didn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe it. And by the time they arrived at the place of destination, Yamaguchi was a mess.  

when the car started driving slower, he wasn’t sure if he was happy with it or not. The car was terrifying, but he was afraid that everything that would come after this would be even more terrifying. 

As soon as the motor stopped and the sense of motion disappeared, Yamaguchi felt the panic rise again. Ten minutes ago he desperately wanted the car to stop. Now he wanted nothing more than for the car to continue driving forever.

But that didn’t happen. Of course that didn’t happen.

Only seconds after the car stopped the trunk was opened and Yamaguchi was overwhelmed by the sea of light that came in. he closed his eyes because they hurt, but immediately opened them again when a strong arm pulled him out.

It all went so fast.

Two men dragged him out of the trunk and harshly pushed him towards an open door. He wanted to resist, but the sudden change is scenery almost turned him completely numb. It took the men hardly ten seconds to get him inside. He didn’t even have the change to look around him. When he was inside, he didn’t got the change to adjust either. They quickly pushed him through a cramped hall before they came by a door. The blond looked for a key in his pocket while the other one held his hand on Yamaguchi’s shoulder.

_Don’t touch me._

He wanted to pull the hand away so bad. It felt dirty somehow. It didn’t belong there. Strange hands that wanted to hurt him shouldn’t be touching him.

His heart beat in his throat. He wanted to go home. He wanted to do something. Somehow, just standing here felt wrong.

 He could try to escape now. Pull himself lose and run away. But he instantly knew it was too late for that. He was in a strange house with a strong adult holding him. Besides, when he looked to the right, he saw that the driver was standing there in the middle of the hallway, waiting to catch him if he would try to run. The man held his arms crossed as a sign of confidence.

Yamaguchi nervously looked to the other side, and the grip on his shoulder tightened.  He flinched, and instinctively tried to pull himself away.

Mistake. The hand on his shoulder pulled him back, and now he felt another hand tightly around his left arm, too.

“don’t even think about it.”

The seriousness of the man’s voice behind him took his breath away. He opened his mouth to say something, but he was too scared to talk, so he just looked down and ignored the tears that where dangerously close to falling again.

_I’m not going to cry in front of them. I’m not going to cry in front of them._

His knees felt weak and his hands where trembling. It took all he had to keep himself under control and not just collapse right there.

_So weak. I am so weak._

The blond man put the key in the keyhole and the door opened.

The man behind Yamaguchi pushed him so hard that he almost stumbled over his own feet.  A tiny cry escaped his mouth. He immediately felt his cheeks turn red.

It took two pushes before he stood inside the empty room. There weren’t even windows. Somehow, this felt even more suffocating than the car ride.

In the middle of the room stood one lonely chair.

“go sit on that,” the blond dude ordered, and accompanied with another push in his back Yamaguchi stumbled to the chair and sat down.

He was relieved that he finally didn’t have to rely on his trembling legs anymore. But sitting also made him feel smaller. Weaker.

The blond man walked around him and suddenly put both of his hands on his shoulders. “now, now, Yamaguchi,” the man whispered in his ear, “you don’t have to be so scared of us. We’re not going to hurt you.”

Immediately after that, the man took both of Yamaguchi’s hands and brought them together at the back of the chair.

they’re going to tie me up, Yamaguchi realized in panic. _They’re going to tie me up._

He didn’t know why, but suddenly, he broke. He couldn’t deal with this anymore. He didn’t want to be kidnapped by strangers. He didn’t want to be put in the trunk of a car. He didn’t want to be kicked in the stomach. He didn’t want to be touched by people who made him so scared. He didn’t want to be tied up like some kind of prisoner.

He was a high school kid. And stuff like this didn’t happen to high school kids.  He shouldn’t have to go through this. He shouldn’t have to be scared for his life.

He should be nervous about tests and volleyball. He should be scared that his parents wouldn’t approve of his grade. But this…being tied up to a chair by strange men who could do everything they wanted with him…this just wasn’t supposed to happen when you were 15 years old.

Yamaguchi bow his head.

“please.”

His voice was raw and low.

“please….don’t do this.”

Then he started crying for real.


	4. Chapter 4

“please….don’t do this.”

As soon as Yamaguchi started crying he immediately wished he could stop. Now he felt even weaker than he had felt before. Instinctively, he tried to sweep away his tears with his wrist, but of course his hands were still stuck, and the blond man didn’t let him go. He made a lousy attempt to pull himself free, but gave up as soon as he noticed how pathetic that looked. Now he just sat there with shocking shoulders and teary wet cheeks, trying to keep his sobs inside.

The three men looked a little uncomfortable after Yamaguchi’s cry for help.  Yamaguchi even felt the hands around his wrists trembling a little.

“guys,” the man spoke… “are you sure…can’t we just…”

He didn’t finish his sentence.

The black haired man spoke without a blink of mercy in his eyes.

 “you knew this would happen. We all knew this would happen. We agreed to be okay with it.”

“I know that, but-”

“if a crying kid scares you so much, then I don’t get why you are helping us in the first place.”

“I know that, but…I just…” the man sounded conflicted. Yamaguchi waited for the black haired man to reply.

“we can’t just go back now. The kid is here. He’s gonna have to deal with it. You knew he was going to be scared. But we all agreed that that was fine.”

The man behind Yamaguchi sighed. “I guess you’re right,” he said, and before Yamaguchi knew it, his hands were tied together to the back of the chair. The robe hurt his wrist and his shoulders felt uncomfortable. Again, he tried to pull himself free. Again, he didn’t succeed.  For some reason, anxiety made him do things that would surly fail, like fighting back at an adult, kicking to the side of the trunk and trying to pull his hands free, even though he knew very well that those things wouldn’t help. He just couldn’t stop doing them. His body was filled with tension and he had to get that out, one way or another. Doing nothing just made him feel helpless.

The tree man now stood before him , but Yamaguchi looked to the ground instead.  For a second, there was silence. Then the black haired man started speaking again.

“Yamaguchi Tadashi.”

He flinched at the sound of his name, but he didn’t look up.

“We have brought you here because we want something from your parents. As soon as they completely agree to our terms, we will release you. As long as that doesn’t happen, you will stay here, understood?”

Yamaguchi nodded.

“My name is Toshio. The blond guy here is called Koji , and that,” he pointed at the driver, “is Isamu. As long as you’re here, you will do everything  we say. Everything. It doesn’t matter what it is, it doesn’t matter who says it, you will be hundred percent obedient, understood?”

Yamaguchi nodded again.

“No resistance. No fighting back. No trying to escape. It won’t work anyway. And try to look at me when I’m talking, goddammit.”

“s-s-s-sorry,” Yamaguchi replied, as he nervously looked up. He couldn’t look the black haired man in the eyes, so he just tried to look over his shoulder to the wall of the room.

“now we are going to make a little video for your parents. Or actually, you are going to make a video for your parents.”

The driver, Isamu, got a  video camera out of his bag and started pushing some buttons.

“so, Yamaguchi,” the black haired man, Toshio, resumed, “listen carefully. I’m only going to tell you this one time, understood?”

Yamaguchi nodded.

“when Isamu starts the video, you are going to tell your parents what happened to you. Just tell them how we brought you here and locked you up. Then, you are going to ask them to do what we say, because you are scared, and you want to go home, right?”

Yamaguchi nodded.

“tell them that we won’t let you go till they give us what we want from them.”

Yamaguchi nodded.

“then, you tell them that if they call the police, we won’t hesitate to hurt you. Tell them that we have been nice to you till know, but that we will definitely hurt you if they call the police.”

Yamaguchi swallowed, and then nervously nodded.

“just tell them that you hope that they will give in soon, because you are scared and don’t want to be hurt.”

Yamaguchi nodded again.

“so,” Toshio said, “tell me all the thing you have to say. Right now.”

Yamaguchi took one large breath and started talking, hoping he wouldn’t sound too scared.

“I...I…I have to tell them that…that you put me in the back of your car, and…and took me to this house and tied me to this chair. And then I have to ask them  to do what you say...because…because otherwise you guys won’t let me go…and I have to tell them I want to go home and that I’m scared…and…I have to tell them that…that…”

“yes?” Toshio asked irritated.

“I have to tell them that they can’t call the police, because if they do that you guys will hurt me.”

“good boy,” the blond man, Koji, said with a smile. The tension that the man had shown when he was tying Yamaguchi up seemed to be completely gone. “now time to do it for the camera.”

“just pretend that you are talking to your parents,” Toshio said. “and don’t think that you can just sneak in a little message or something, if we are not satisfied with what you say, we’ll just make you say it all over again.”

Isamu did a step closer and pointed the camera at Yamaguchi. “and…go!”

Yamaguchi looked it the camera and hoped it wasn’t visible that he had cried.

“hey mom, hey dad,” he said, but he immediately felt stupid. He was more nervous than he wanted to be.

“I…I…today…I…went home and there was this car parked in front of our house….and there were tree man and…”

“stop.”  Toshio looked more irritated than ever. “don’t tell them that we are with three people. Again.”

Isamu started the camera again.

Yamaguchi took the time to breathe in and close his eyes for a second. Then he threw everything out in one go.

“hey mam, hey dad, when I came home from school today, I…there where people at or gate…and they put me in their car and took me to…this house…they say that they are going to keep me here…and they tied me to this chair and one of them kicked me in the stomach…and I just…wanted to ask you…if you could please do whatever they say and give them what they want….because…because otherwise they’re not going to let me go. And I’m just really scared and I…I just…really want to go home…so please give them what they want…I don’t…I don’t want to be here…”

_Silence._

“…also….please don’t call the police because if you call the police they will hurt me and…till now…they haven’t done that yet…they have been nice….but I’m still really scared, so please don’t call the police, because I really don’t want to be hurt….so I…I hope to…see you soon again.”

Yamaguchi bow his head and took some time to catch his breath. Weirdly, he felt a little relieved. It was nice to say that he was scared out loud. While speaking those words, it made him feel like he wanted to through up, like he came to close to reality, like he needed to run away, but as soon as it was silent, he could feel a little bit of room in the back of his chest. It was a nice feeling.

Isamu played back the tape, and Yamaguchi closed his eyes while he heard himself speaking. Everything he said suddenly sounded utterly pathetic.  He was happy when his voice ebbed away and the three men seemed to be satisfied with it.

“Yamaguchi,” Koji said, “you did well. If you want, I can untie you now. But only if you promise that you won’t start to fight or resist or anything, okay?”

“okay.”

“as soon as I’ve untied you, I will put you against that wall. We will leave the room, and only when we locked the door, you can move again.”

“okay.”

“as soon as you try to do something anyway, we’ll just tie you back up and let you sit like this for the rest of the day. Let this be a warning.”

Koji walked around him and carefully untied the rope. He took Yamaguchi by the arm and pushed him against the wall. “keep standing there till we are gone.”

“okay.”

Yamaguchi looked at the wall. Everything still felt incredibly surreal for him.

Behind him he heard footsteps, the door that closed, and later the key that  locked the door. He still didn’t move. Even after the footsteps behind the door had faded he way, he kept standing where he stood. Frozen in fear. For one minute. Two minutes. Five minutes. Ten minutes.

Ten minutes was how long it took him to slowly turn his head around and see and empty room. He carefully turned around completely and sat down against the wall.

He was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter four!   
> Thanks for reading, Please leave a comment if you want to, and see you in the next chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

Yamaguchi was alone. Alone in a unfamiliar room. The men that made him feel so scared and unsafe where finally gone.

Still, for some reason he was afraid to move himself. Like he wasn’t supposed to do that. Even sitting here almost felt like a crime. He knew that nothing would happen if he would just sit somewhere else or walk around, but he had the feeling that that would be dangerous.

It felt like someone was watching him. He looked around in the room and saw no camera’s, but still felt paranoid about moving around.

What if he was walking, or standing up, and one of the man would suddenly come in? what if they thought he was trying to escape? What if they would get violent with him?

They could really come in at any given moment, so Yamaguchi spent his time by carefully listening if anybody was coming. Sometimes he heard voices somewhere else in the house. Sometime he heard people walking. If he heard something like that, he would pull up his knees to his chest and make himself as small as possible. He buried his face in his knees and wished that he was invisible. Untouchable. Or just not here. Anywhere but here.

Now that he was alone, he also suddenly had time to think. The last couple of hours had been so hectic that he didn’t have any time to process what was going on. But right now he was sitting in a empty room, all by himself, and his mind started to wander.

First, he just replayed everything that had happened in his head. He saw himself getting pushed in the trunk over and over again. He remembered how he had to lay in the dark and cramped trunk for over an hour. He remembered how he panicked. He remembered how he got dragged inside the house and tied to the chair. He remembered all, and relived all, even though he didn’t really want to. He just had to do it. It was all still so vivid in his imagination, and of course it had all just happened moments ago, so Yamaguchi found himself reliving it over and over again, just so he could hopefully find a peace of mind in the end.

After some time, the questions came.

Who were these men? Why did they chose to kidnap him, out of all people?

That question was easy to answer of course. His parents where rich. They had money. They could surly give these people what they wanted.

Yamaguchi clenched his hands into fists. Why was it always him? Why did it always have to be him?

He thought about his parents. Would they already know what had happened  to him? They were both somewhere else in the country, but if they would hear that their son was kidnapped they would surly come back, right?

How would his kidnappers contact his parents? Would they just…give them a call? Or would they do it via the internet?

Suddenly, a feeling of hope came up in Yamaguchi’s chest. If the kidnappers would use the internet to send the video and the related information, They would be traceable, right? Phones where traceable too. Everything was traceable these days.

Sure, there were ways to get around that, but if they fucked up, maybe the police could track them and…

Wait.

No.

Not the police.

They couldn’t call the police.

If they would call the police, Yamaguchi would get hurt.

He bit his lip. His hands were trembling, and he had to press them together to stop it. His fingers automatically started fidgeting. He tried to lose some tension, but of course it didn’t work. The thought of being hurt was too scary, too dangerous and too real. Way too real.

What if his parents would call the police anyway?

Yamaguchi accidently pinched his finger harder than he wanted. Would his parents risk his safety and call the police, even though the kidnappers explicitly told them not to?

They could take the risk and hope for the best. They could tell the police to work carefully behind the curtains. Maybe they would think that engaging with kidnappers on their own was more dangerous than relying on the police.

Yamaguchi didn’t know. He didn’t even want to know. He wasn’t sure what would be the best option either. He just wanted to go home, as soon as possible, and hopefully, without any serious injuries.

His stomach, chest and head still hurt a little from when Toshio had kicked him in the trunk. It wasn’t much, but the pain reminded him of how much it had hurt when the kicks where delivered. He didn’t want to go through that again. He could still clearly remember how Toshio had hold him in his arms and how Koji just stood there, smiling.

Toshio was definitely the worst of the three. He was scary, strong, and seemed to get angry very easy.

Koji was a little less terrifying. He seemed overall more friendly and even hesitated when he had to tie Yamaguchi up.

The third man, Isamu, was hard to read. Yamaguchi couldn’t remember much of him, except that he was very quiet and had a cold look in his eyes. Heck, Yamaguchi couldn’t even remember that the man said one word!

Still, even though he was the most scared of Toshio, he didn’t saw the other man as friends either. They all brought him here. They all agreed to throw a fifteen year old boy in their trunk and lock him up in a room. Normal people didn’t do that. Crazy people did that.

Yamaguchi wondered how the three man had come to a point that they were so desperate for money that they wanted to commit a crime. Was this really all worth it?

Sadly, the answer to that question was certainly yes. For them, it didn’t really matter. They didn’t have to be scared for their lives. They weren’t the ones locked up. They weren’t forcefully taken away from their innocent lives.

Because that is what it is, Yamaguchi thought. They took his normal life away from him. And even if he would get out of here, he would always remember that this happened. He would always remembered how scared he was, how hopeless he had felt, it would always follow him.

And he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to deal with any of this. He wanted to be a normal fifteen year old kid who had to deal with normal fifteen year old kid problems.

Suddenly he felt alone. He sat here, against the wall of this room, this prison, waiting for whatever was going to happen with him. He was scared, he was in pain, he had been crying. He wanted to go home so bad, but he knew that wasn’t going to happen. He felt unsafe, like he constantly had to be aware of possible danger. And there was no-one to comfort or help him. He just sat on the ground, waiting for one of the man to come in and do something horrible to him, and there was no-one to tell him it was all going to be okay. he had to deal with it completely on his own.

Yamaguchi was not good at being alone. Sure, he was a quiet kid wo liked to do his own thing, but whenever he came in a difficult situation, he always hid behind someone else’s back. Preferably, Tsukki’s back.

But Tsukki wasn’t here. He was at home, probably, doing his homework. Tomorrow they had a math test. Yamaguchi had been a little nervous for that, but Tsukki had explained some things to him during lunch break, and now he understood the material pretty well.

He didn’t have to worry about math anymore now. Everything in his normal life, like school and homework and tests and volleyball, it all seemed so unimportant. The only thing that counted was getting out of here.

It was such a weird feeling that everybody was just going on with their lives while he was sitting here.  All of his friend probably had no idea what was going on with him. They probably expected him to just walk into class tomorrow.

He really, really wished that they knew. He didn’t want them to worry about him, but the fact that nobody had any idea of the situation he was in made him feel lonely. It made him feel invisible, but in the wrong way. Not in the nobody-can-hurt-you-way, but rather in the everyone-can-hurt-you-but-nobody-notices-way.

Soon they will all know, he thought. His parents would know first. Would they tell the school about it? Or would they just pretend that Yamaguchi was sick or something? Would Tsukki know it? Or would he just go through his day without his shy friend next to him? Would he just sit in the lunch break without him? Would he just walk home alone?

_Would he care? Would he be worried?_

Of course he would be, Yamaguchi thought. They were friends.

Right?

He sighed and put his hands around his body. He made himself even smaller, like he always did when he was nervous, hoping that the danger would just look past him so he could stay unharmed.  He wished that Tsukki  was here now. If Tsukki would be here, Yamaguchi wouldn’t be so scared. If Tsukki would be here, Yamaguchi wouldn’t be so hopeless. If Tsukki would be here, Yamaguchi wouldn’t  be so…

…Lonely.

But Tsukki wasn’t here.  Nobody was here. Three scary men where here. So for now, the only thing Yamaguchi could do was hoping that they wouldn’t lose their temper so he could get out of this mess alive.

_Alive._

Suddenly, that word had so much meaning to him. Living was something that you just did. You were alive, and you didn’t really think about the possibility that that live could end.

Was his life….in danger here?

He didn’t know.

He didn’t know anything.

He didn’t know fucking anything.

_No, don’t go crying again now._

He didn’t even know what would happen to him in the next minute.

_Come on, think about happy things._

He didn’t even know where he really was.

_Don’t. fucking. Cry._

Like always, he couldn’t convince himself.  He was scared. Tired. Exhausted even. He didn’t know what to do. And like the pathetic coward that he was, he cried about it. Again.

When he dried his tears, his fear disappeared a little, and his anger rose.

_I’m not going to cry anymore._

Sadly, this would be far from the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there doesn’t actually happened a lot in this chapter. I really wanted to focus on Yamaguchi’s thoughts and feelings first. I hope you enjoyed it anyway, next chapter will probably be there on friday :)


	6. Chapter 6

Yamaguchi was walking around in the small room.

Step, step, step, turn around. Step, step, step, turn around. Step, step, step, turn around.

In the beginning, he had been too scared to move. But now that his restlessness had forced him to get up, he couldn’t stop. The simple rhythm helped him calm down.

Still, he listened carefully if somebody would come in. He would be sure to be as far away from the door as possible when that would happen.

At this moment, he almost wanted it to happen. He had no idea what time it was. This bothered him. He had been kidnapped somewhere in the afternoon, so it had to be close to the evening, but he had no idea how much time he had spent alone in the room. It could have been hours. It could have been only twenty minutes.

The silence was slowly killing him. With nothing else to do than think, it was hard not to think about all the horrible things that could happen.

Her was hungry. He was thirsty. He had to go to the bathroom.

He would probably have to spend the night here, and he didn’t like the idea of sleeping on the cold, hard flour with an empty stomach and a full bladder.

He wanted something to happen. He heard a lot of talking, very fast talking, somewhere in another room.  He knew he couldn’t hear it clearly behind the closed door, but he tried it anyway.  When the talking suddenly stopped, and he heard footsteps slowly coming closer and closer, he could hear them loud and clear, which instantly made him panic again.

The footsteps stopped in front of his door. He was too scared to breathe.

“Yamaguchi.”

Hearing his own name instantly made him remember how weak he felt.  Whatever was going to happen wasn’t something that he would have any control over.

“Yamaguchi?!”

he flinched.

 “Y-Yes...”

His voice sounded fragile.

“sit on the ground against the wall.”

“yes!” Yamaguchi walked to the place he sat before and sat down with his knees lifted.

“are you sitting?”

“yes!”

“I’m coming in.”

The man unlocked the door and opened it. It was Koji.  He seemed to be alone. Yamaguchi finally dared to breathe again.

“I have some stuff for you,” the blond said. “stuff that you will need.”

He placed a full shopping bag on the ground.

Yamaguchi wanted to thank him, but he couldn’t find the words. He was still scared that something unexpected would happen.

“well,” Koji said. “then I’ll be going.” The man smiled. It didn’t look friendly.  “see you tomorrow, Yamaguchi.”

Yamaguchi’s swallowed. He really did have to spend the night here.

“w...w…wait!” he brought out just before Koji was about to close the door.

“I’m sorry,” Yamaguchi whispered, cursing himself for making so much noise. “could I please….go to the toilet?”

He didn’t look Koji in the eyes. He looked at the ground, hoping that he didn’t just ask something incredibly stupid.

Going to the toilet was normal right?

Except, in the situation he was in, nothing was normal, and he had no idea when he was crossing a line or not.

Luckily Koji didn’t seem to get angry or irritated by his request.

“sure,” he said, “Go stand against the wall like you did when we left last time.”

Yamaguchi stood up with trembling legs and faced the wall. Koji grabbed him by his arms, and a shiver went down his spine. The man pulled him away from the wall and made a few steps, but then suddenly stood still.

“try to pull yourself free,” he said, with a serious voice.

“wh…what?”

Yamaguchi couldn’t hide the confused tone in his voice.

“you heard what I said,” Koji said, “Try to pull yourself free. Now.”

“o…okay..”

Hesitant, Yamaguchi started to pull. First very soft, then a little harder.

“come on,” Koji said, “you can do more than that.”

It took Yamaguchi a little bit of courage, but when he noticed he wasn’t going to get punished, he dared to go full out. He pulled as hard as he could. His arms hurt and he hated the feeling of being trapped,  he hated the feeling of this man’s arms around his body, but he didn’t care. For a moment, he even actually believed he was going somewhere. He even actually believed he was fighting and about to win and he would run through the hallway to the door and he would be free and…

it took him 30 seconds of struggling before he realized he wasn’t strong enough. He gave up and gasped for air. He still felt the strong hands from the man around his arms, and understood that Koji just wanted to show him that he wouldn’t stand a change if he would try to escape.

“see,” Koji said, “I may not look strong, but I’m pretty close to Toshio if It comes to it. Don’t think that you are lucky just because I am here. Now walk.”

Yamaguchi walked. Koji pushed. They went through the same hallway that they had been through when they had arrived, and Yamaguchi now noticed that this wasn’t a hallway that would lead to the front door of this house, but the backdoor. Through the window at the end of the hall, he could even see the car that had brought him here, parked next to a bigger van, in the middle of a small garden.

“outside isn’t your concern,” Koji said with an angry tone, and Yamaguchi immediately looked away.

“here is the toilet.”

Yamaguchi got shoved into the toilet, and he couldn’t quite say that he could take a shit in peace. He had locked the door, sure, and that had given him this weird feeling of safety, but he had to get out sooner or later. Koji was waiting behind the door.

He did what he had to do as fast as he could and slowly opened the door again. It didn’t take Koji much time to pull him out of the toilet, drag him down the hallway and lock him up in the room again.

Yamaguchi took some time to calm down again, and rubbed over his painfully red arms. A few flashbacks to some particular mean bully’s came to his mind, and he almost had the urge to laugh. He remembered how scared he used to be of those kids. If he would tell his past self how much fear he was feeling right now, if he would tell his past self that there where things thousand times scarier than a bully, things that wouldn’t just make you cry when you came home, but that would make you so anxious that you wanted to throw up, things that made your heart beat so fast that you thought you were going to die, things that made you feel weaker than all bullies together could ever make you feel, if he would tell his past self all of that, he wouldn’t believe it.

He didn’t even believe it right now. His normal life and everything that happened today felt like two completely separate things, and it was almost a strange idea that he would ever get to go back to that normal life. At least, if his parents would pay the price. If these man didn’t decide to do something terrible to him.

_Don’t make yourself scared now._

He decided to look inside of the bag that Koji had brought with him. The first thing he found was a bottle of water. The next thing was a ready-made sandwich. The last thing was an old, smelly sleeping bag.

He ate the sandwich and drank some of the water. After that, without anything to do, he just decided to crawl into the sleeping bag. It made him feel surprisingly safe. The flour wasn’t comfortable, but he could deal with it. He had no idea what time it was, but decided to just go to sleep anyway. He turned off the light in the room  and rolled himself up in the sleeping back.

Just go to sleep, he said to himself.

That wasn’t so easy. It took him a long time to fall asleep. When he had finally fallen asleep, it only lasted ten minutes till he anxiously woke up and found himself hitting and kicking around like he was crazy. It took him ages to get himself to calm down again, and this time sleep only found him out of pure exhaustion.

An hour later, he woke up again, but this time from a scream somewhere else in the house. Somebody was frustrated. Somebody was angry. What if that someone…would get into the room?

Yamaguchi wished he didn’t exist. He hid inside of his sleeping bag. Maybe when he closed his eyes, the world around him would disappear.

The next time he woke up it was a few hours later again. It was completely silent, and he didn’t even know what had woken him up. He just laid on the ground and looked into the darkness. Suddenly, much to his own surprise, he started crying. Crying like crazy. Long, painful, ugly sobs escaped his mouth. His shoulders where shaking and his whole body shivered. He could taste the salty tears that reaches his lips and angrily bit on his tongue. Why couldn’t he just stop crying?

He reached  for the water bottle and drank all of the water in it, somehow hoping it would fill the empty feeling inside.

It didn’t.

He felt more alone than ever, but at the same time, he wished that everybody could just leave him alone forever.

He fell asleep again, and woke up a couple of hours later because he needed to pee. There was nothing he could do, so he just had to hold it in. He had no idea what time it was. He had no idea how long he had to wait before he could go to the toilet. Luckily he wasn’t crying anymore.

Yamaguchi could never handle scary situations. He couldn’t stand up for himself. He always ran away. He always hid behind somebody else’s confidence. And now, He had turned into a tired, anxious and miserable coward who was almost about to pee himself.

Why did he, of all people, have to end up in this situation?

“I want to go home,” he whispered to himself.

“I want to go home and see my family again.”

“I want to go home and sleep in my own bed.”

“I want to play volleyball.”

“I want to see my friends.”

“I want to…feel safe again.”

He felt his lip tremble.

“I don’t want to be scared anymore.”

He could hardly hold back the tears. How many times had he cried this day? He couldn’t count it anymore. He angrily pushed his fist against his eyeballs, hoping that he could force back the tears like that.

“why..” he whispered with a raw voice, “why am I so pathetic?”

Of course his shoulders started shaking.

“why am I always so pathetic?!”

Nobody was there to answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the new chapter guys! Please tell me if you liked it.
> 
> Every time I make Yams cry, a little part of me cries too.
> 
> I'm kind of busy the next two weeks, so I don't know if I will be able to update as frequently as normally, but I'll do my best to post at least one chapter a week :)


	7. Chapter 7

Yamaguchi woke up with a headache and a sore back.

Huh? Did he fall asleep again?

He crawled out of his sleeping bag and was welcomed by a sharp light.

He was too tired to realize that someone had come in to turn the lights on. His hands were still trembling.  They could hardly support the weight of his body.

He looked around and noticed a new shopping bag next to the door. He pulled it closer and looked inside. He slowly realized that someone had put it there, and that he hadn’t even noticed. That was a scary thought. 

Inside of the bag there was food and water. There were also a couple of old looking magazines that didn’t look that interesting, but Yamaguchi was happy that he would have something else to do besides worrying.

Even more welcome was the pocket watch that laid at the bottom of the bag. Yamaguchi eagerly picked it up and looked at the time.

7:13

He could never have thought that knowing the time would make him so happy. It made him feel more secure, more in control.

He knew what time it was. That was something to hold on to, something that was certain, something that wouldn’t change no matter what.

He hold the watch in his hands and looked how the seconds ticked away. He even counted with them.

54…55….56….57…58….59….

7:14

He smiled and put the watch in his pocket. He wasn’t going to give this up anymore.

It was only now that he noticed the little note in the bag. He picked it up and looked at the scratchy handwriting.

_I’ll come check on you at 7:30._

_Enjoy the magazines._

He suddenly felt how much he needed to pee again. 

Luckily 15 minutes weren’t  that long. He took a random magazine and sat down against the wall. The chair was still there, but for some reason it felt wrong to sit on it.

He read the articles without actually reading them. The magazine was about cars, which didn’t interest him whatsoever.

Even though he felt a little calmer than the day before, the night had been hell, and the feelings of fear and loneliness still swelled inside him. He couldn’t focus, so reading didn’t work anyway. He just looked at pictures. It was better than nothing.

He had checked his watch at least ten times when he finally heard footsteps. 

Of course, he panicked again. He hated it that he had to feel scared all the time. He hated it that he had to feel so vulnerable.

Koji opened the door without saying warning. This startled Yamaguchi, but the man didn’t look angry.

“I see that you’re awake,” he said.

Yamaguchi didn’t answer.

“do you need something?”

“I need to go to the toilet.”

Talking slowly started to be less scary.

“that okay. Go stand against the wall.”

Yamaguchi stood up without hesitation. It almost felt like routine for him. It didn’t make him as scared as it had made him yesterday. Okay, he still hated the feeling of rough, unknown hands on his body, the feeling of somebody else holding you an controlling you, but he didn’t think that he would ever get used to that.

They went to the toilet, and five minutes later they were back in the room.

“I’ll bring food again later today,” Koji said before he slammed the door and locked it.

He’s okay, Yamaguchi thought.

For as far as a kidnapper could be okay.

Slowly, he started to eat the sandwich that would be his breakfast. He wanted to take as long as possible, so he would have something to do for as long as possible. He drank a little bit of water and sat down against the wall again.

Within half an hour he had scrolled through all the magazines, so he just started with the first one again. He even started to read some articles.

There was an article about a new type of motor for race cars that he read halfway through. He found a tiny little article about volleyball that he read with real, honest interest. He also found an article about dinosaurs that he read twice. First he read it in his own voice. Then he read it in Tsukki’s voice.

He didn’t want to think about his friend to much, as that would make him feel lonely again, so he went on and read some stuff about science in another magazine.  He really did his best to find the stuff he read interesting, as he hoped that the time would go faster that way.

When he looked on his watch, he saw that it was 8:56. He sighed. Almost the end of morning practice. Would his team know? Would they be worried about him?

It wasn’t like he was some important key player or something. But they would probably still be worried if he was in danger, right?

He wondered what was happening right now. He just sat here in an empty room, completely cut off from the world. He wished that he could hear the conversations that went on in the rest of the house.

Was there a change that he would be free again today? Was there a plan to rescue him? Would his parents give the men what they wanted so he could just walk away?

Or would he have to stay here for another full day, and another horrible night, completely alone?

He eagerly waited for the moment that something would happen. For the moment that Koji would walk in and tell him that he could go free.

Or would they first put him in the car again and drop him somewhere in the middle of nowhere?

It didn’t matter to him. He just wanted to be anywhere else but here.

Still, he felt less scared than he did yesterday. Eventually, a human being would get used to everything. Or almost everything.

Yamaguchi was set in survival mode, and he just hoped that everything would be over soon. The worst stuff all already happened, right?

Right?

Not right.

Just when he looked through the same magazine for the third time, he heard a loud scream somewhere else in the building.

He suddenly remember that he had heard that same scream when he was sleeping. This time, it didn’t end with a scream though.  A loud sound of something falling made Yamaguchi heart almost skip a beat.

Then, footsteps. Loud footsteps. Angry footsteps.

“Koji!”

De sound came from somewhere else in the house.

“what the fuck is happening?”

“police in the streets.”

“WHAT? Fuck. Do you think they are here for us?”

“they are stopping in front of our door. They must have found out somehow. We have to get that fucking kid out of here.”

“Fucking hell, okay. Isamu, stay here. We take the kid in the van and drive away as fast as we can, okay?”

“Sure. I’ll tell them I have nothing to do with it.”

“good.  Toshio, start the van. I’ll grab the kid.”

More loud footsteps. Yamaguchi now stood in the middle of the room, completely frozen in fear, one magazine still in his hand.

Police? Where they going to safe him? Where they going to break into the house and...

The door hit against the wall and Koji rushed in.

He grabbed Yamaguchi’s by his shoulders and roughly pushed him against the wall. “you come with me. Make no sound. Don’t resist. Am I clear?”

Yamaguchi dropped the magazine and nodded.

Koji dragged Yamaguchi out of the room. he ran through the hallway and Yamaguchi had to stumble with him. The man pinched his arm and didn’t even look twice when Yamaguchi harshly bumped into a table and almost fell down. He just pulled harder and harder, and there was nothing Yamaguchi could do to stop it.

Even if he could do anything, he would probably be too scared anyway.

The van in the garden was ready to go. Yamaguchi didn’t even have the time to be happy that they weren’t going to throw him in the small trunk of the other car anymore. The back of the van easily had enough space for two people.

The back doors were open, and Koji pushed Yamaguchi inside. He jumped in himself and closed the doors of the van, which was a sign for Toshio to start driving immediately.

Yamaguchi just sat there, completely shocked, not able to move.

“go lay on the flour,” Koji ordered.

When Yamaguchi didn’t immediately react, he pushed the boy to the floor himself. Yamaguchi didn’t resist, he was to numb to do anything. He felt how he was pushed to the floor, how his arms where turned on his back and how the grown man placed his legs at both sides of Yamaguchi to make sure he wouldn’t be able to do anything.

Hey laid on his belly on the dirty flour, and felt the shaking of the van with every turn. His arms and shoulders hurt, and he couldn’t move. Not even a little.

Of course, he thought. Of course it could always get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized I gave one of the kidnappers the same name as one of Hinata’s middle school friends, lol. 
> 
> Things are going to be intense! I hope I will have time to update the next chapter soon.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading :)


	8. Chapter 8

Yamaguchi laid on the ground with the grown man on top of him. It was crazy. It was absolutely crazy.

He tried to pretend that he was laying just fine, but  after  ten minutes his shoulders seriously started to hurt.  He subconsciously started to groan, wiggle his arms and move his legs, but he couldn’t find a comfortable position to lay in.

Koji apparently noticed his discomfort.

“Yamaguchi,” the man said, “I don’t think holding you like this is really all that necessary, do you want me to move?”

Yamaguchi nodded, for as far as that was possible with his cheek pressed in the cold flour.

“go sit against the side of the van. I’ll go sit at the opposite side. As soon as you try anything, I’ll have you on the ground again in no time.”

“I won’t try anything,” Yamaguchi said.

_You must know by now that I’m a coward, right?_

“that’s good,” koji said, and he slowly let Yamaguchi go. Yamaguchi crawled up and sat down against the side of the van.

Koji sat exactly in front of him, and that made him a little uncomfortable. He didn’t want to look at the man, so instead he just looked at the ground. He had put his arms around his legs again, and felt the same familiar fear for the unknown that he had felt in the other car yesterday.

After what felt like an eternity of awkward silence, Koji randomly started to talk.

Yamaguchi hold himself even closer, not wanting to communicate with the man that had just pushed him in a van and hold him to the ground.

“so…Yamaguchi…you go to…Karasano, right?”

Yamaguchi didn’t expect small talk, and didn’t really feel like it either, so he just gave a small nod.

“do you like it there?”

Yamaguchi shrugged. “it is okay.”

Koji attempted to smile.  “This must be your first year in high school, right?”

A small nod.

“I still remember my first year in high school. It certainly wasn’t easy. All these Intimidating teenagers made me pretty scared at times.”

Yamaguchi looked up. This man? Intimidated?

“you may not believe it,” koji said, “But I was actually pretty shy as a kid. I just didn’t know how to deal with people.”

Like I care, Yamaguchi thought, but he didn’t say it out loud of course.

“do you have any friends in school, Yamaguchi?”

Yamaguchi just nodded again.

“are they nice?”

“I have one good friend,” yamaguchi said, “Tsukki.”

Saying that name to this man felt really wrong somehow.

“tsukki?” Koji asked, “what an odd name.”

“it’s actually Tsukkishima,” Yamaguchi explained, “It’s just that I always call him Tsukki…”

“ah,” Koji said, seemingly exited, “ like a nickname. Then you two must be pretty close.”

“I guess.”

“what is Tsukki like, as a friend?”

For the first time, Yamaguchi looked the man in the eye. “call him Tsukkishima,” he said, way angrier then he wanted. He immediately hid behind his arms. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Luckily Koji didn’t seem to mind.

“sorry,” he said, “what is Tsukkishima like?”

Yamaguchi didn’t want to talk to this man. Especially not about his best friend.

“I bet,” Koji said when Yamaguchi didn’t answer, “that you and him are already friends for a really long time. You strike me as a person who doesn’t let go of his friends.”

“I guess,” Yamaguchi answered.

“I also bet that everybody kind of hates him, because he is kind of an asshole to everybody, but you don’t really care about that, because you know that he is not a bad person on the inside.”

Now Yamaguchi was surprised. “how…did you…?”

Koji laughed. “I used to have a friend exactly like that, when I was in high school. He could be mean and insensitive, and sometimes he said stuff that really hurt people’s feelings, but I knew there was more to him than that. I just see you as a person who could also have a friend like that.”

“Tsukki isn’t mean,” Yamaguchi said, a little offended. “Tsukki is just…Tsukki.”

Koji smiled. “this friend of yours is really lucky to have you, the way that you stick up for him and all.”

Yamaguchi shrugged.

“I remember that this friend of mine always used to pick on the same kind of people,” Koji said, while looking at his hands. “There was one kind of person that he just….couldn’t stand, and that where people who were passionate. Intense. Exited. Blunt. He absolutely hated them.”

Yamaguchi couldn’t help but look up.

“he always tried to find ways to irritate them. Make them angry. Make them see how stupid they were. But it never really worked. They just kept being as exited and passionate as ever…he always got so incredibly angry after that. It only made him hate them more. In the beginning, I never understood why he reacted that way, but that I realized that my friend wasn’t just angry at these people. He just…couldn’t understand them. He just couldn’t in his right mind understand how they could be like that. And that felt threatening. It made him uncomfortable. Scared, even.”

There was a small silence. Yamaguchi wanted to say something, but he was to scared. After a few slow breaths, he pressured himself to do it.

“there….,” he said softly, “there are two people in our volleyball team…Kageyama and Hinata….and they are probably the most hot blooded people I have ever met….and Tsukki absolutely can’t stand them.”

Yamaguchi looked away, but Koji only smiled.

“he is just a little intimidated by them,” the man answered, “he will probably never admit it, but I bet the dude even feels a little Jealous of them. People like your friend are fragile you know. That’s why they need a friend like you to be excited about them, to boost their little ego.”

“tsukki hates it when I do that.”

“that only what he want you to think!” Koji smiled. “Believe me, he needs you. More than you know.”

Yamaguchi looked at the ground. “yeah, right.”

“relationships like that…how shall I say it. You probably think that it’s you who is more dependent on him, but I’m pretty sure it’s the other way around too, in some way.”

Silence.

Yamaguchi  closed his eyes. Suddenly, he felt really tired. He felt his whole body slowly losing tension, and for a few minutes, he could even say that he felt a little…relaxed.

“you know,” Koji said after some time, “I actually recognise a lot of myself in you.”

Yamaguchi didn’t react. He didn’t want to react.

“when I was your age…I didn’t like myself that much. I was pretty insecure and…I don’t know…everybody seemed to be…better than me, at everything. At school. At sports. At life in general.”

Silence.

“and I know this probably doesn’t mean a lot from someone like me…but I wanted to say it anyway…”

Yamaguchi opened his eyelids a little. He could see Koji looking at his own shoes, and suddenly the man looked really vulnerable. For a few seconds that is, till the man looked up and suddenly had a determined look in his eyes.

“Yamaguchi,” he said, “I don’t think that you’re pathetic.”

Yamaguchi flinched and completely opened his eyes.

Koji saw his confused look and explained. “yesterday morning, I sat by your door. We just felt like it was safe if one person would play guard when the other ones where sleeping. I heard you…talking.”

Yamaguchi felt his face turn completely red and looked at the ground.

_How could I be so stupid to say that stuff out loud?!_

“I’m sorry,” Koji said, “you probably didn’t want me to hear that. But I do mean what I said. I really don’t think your pathetic.”

Yamaguchi didn’t say anything.

“and I’m sorry that we made you go through all of this…I guess we all had or reasons but…I honestly feel pretty ashamed about all of this right now.”

Silence.

“you don’t need to forgive me of course. You’re the victim here. I’m obviously the bad guy. I…I’m sorry…”

Koji held his head down.

“I know everything I say must sound incredibly hypocrite. But I really don’t want you to feel like you’re weak. Because you’re not. I’d say you’re actually pretty strong.”

Yamaguchi looked up. A warm feeling spread through his stomach.

_I am…strong?_

“Trust me,” Koji said, “in front of me, I don’t see a coward. I think you’re brave.”

Yamaguchi blushed a little.

“I really wanted to say all this to you,” koji said, “because I just kind of hoped that you would remember this conversation…if you ever feel like you are weak again.”

The man nervously scratched the back of his head.

“because I know that we made you feel weaker than ever. But maybe I can compensate it a little like this.”

Yamaguchi didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know what to think. He knew that he was confused, and that he was still very scared. But he also knew that  the stuff that this man was saying seemed to touch him in a deeper way than he thought that it would.

“all that stuff that you said,” Koji continued, “about wanting to go home…and wanting to feel safe….I know we ruined that for you…but I promise you that this will end, okay? I’ll make sure you will get home safe. I don’t know how yet, but you won’t be here forever.”

  
“t…thank you,” Yamaguchi mumbled.

Koji gave an embarrassed smile. “you probably hate to talk about all this serious stuff with some stupid guy who hurt you so much….I’m sorry….you probably hate me even more now…you play volleyball, right? Shall we talk about that instead?”

For one second, the man looked incredibly friendly. Yamaguchi couldn’t help but smile a little.

“sure,” he said. “I’m not very good though…I just started playing because Tsukki plays it.”

“I bet you are better than me. I suck at any sport.”

“A lot of people in my team are better than me. They  all have so much talent. But I try to practice a lot to keep up with them.”

“fuck talent!” Koji said, surprisingly loud, “Hard work is way more important. I think you can be proud of yourself for that. What position do you play?”

“I’m a pinch server.”

Koji blushed a little. “I have no idea what that is.”

Yamaguchi smiled and explained. And while he talked about his favourite sport,  he couldn’t help but feel a little relieved.

A little happy.

A little understood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter was really hard for some reason, I don’t know, it just didn’t want to come out right. I hope it still turned out good in the end!  
> The next chapter will get really intense. Like, really, really, really intense.  
> I might even have to change the archive warnings.   
> So yeah, get ready for that, and see you in the next chapter!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: graphic description of violence in this chapter.
> 
> If you are uncomfortable with that, please don't read it.
> 
> If you do read on, enjoy the chapter, and let's just say that i'm sorry.

“so, if understand correctly,” Koji said with a confused look on his face, “you get switched on the court whenever stuff gets hard, right?”

“that’s right,” Yamaguchi answered.

“and…that serve you do….how does that work?”

“it’s a special serve where you hit the ball in a certain way to make it change directions while it’s in the air. That makes it harder to receive.”

“sounds cool!”

Yamaguchi blushed. “I trained really hard to get it right…”

Koji smiled. A sincere, honest smile. “your team must be happy to have you.”

“I don’t know about that,” Yamaguchi answered, “Sometimes I get so nervous that I completely black out and miss the serve.”

“it must be nerve racking to be put in the game at such a crucial point all the time.”

“Yeah, It’s certainly not easy. But I’m starting to get better at it. And I have an amazing team to support me. We’ll even go to the nationals!”

“wow.” Koji seemed legitimately impressed.

“I can’t really believe it myself,” Yamaguchi said with a proud smile. “we have or first national game in four days.”

Suddenly he felt a knot in his stomach. For a moment, he had forgotten the situation he was in, but he suddenly remembered that he was kidnapped. Would he even be able to attend the match? Would he be home at that time? Or would he still be stuck? He couldn’t imagine living in this uncertainty for another four whole days.

Koji saw Yamaguchi’s  sad face and opened his mouth to say something, but suddenly, the car’s speed degreased so much that they both almost got thrown to the other side of the truck.

Was the car stopping?

“what’s happening?” Yamaguchi asked nervously.

“I don’t know,” Koji said. “Toshio probably wants to check if you didn’t strangle me or something. Or maybe he got a call from Isamu.”

“ah..” Yamaguchi didn’t feel happy about it.

“don’t worry,” Koji said with a friendly smile. “he won’t hurt you or anything.”

The car completely came to a halt. A few seconds later the door got shoved open.

Everything that happened after that went incredibly fast.

“Toshio,” Koji asked, “is there news from Isamu?”

Toshio didn’t answer.

The glance in the man’s eyes made Yamaguchi realize something was incredibly wrong.

Toshio put one foot in the car, reached for Yamaguchi’s arm and dragged him out of the car with incredible force.

Yamaguchi smacked down on the asphalt. He looked around and saw that he laid on a small road in the middle of a forest.

_In other words, a place in the middle of nowhere without any people._

He tried to stand up, but Toshio pushed him to the ground again.

“don’t even think about it, brad.”

Yamaguchi was confused. Very confused. But he also immediately realized how incredibly fucked he was.

He laid on the ground, scared and completely defenceless, and Toshio looked at him with a determined smirk.

Yamaguchi saw the foot of the man coming, but couldn’t do anything to stop it. Toshio’s shoe hit him in his stomach.

A raw scream escaped from Yamaguchi’s mouth. The kick was a lot harder than in had been yesterday in the trunk.

Toshio didn’t give him the change to comprehend the situation. He kicked him again. And again. And again. What was happening? why did he…

_Why? What did I do wrong?_

Every kick was harder and more painful then the last one. Yamaguchi tried to protect himself by turning himself into a small ball, but the foot of the grown man always seemed to find an unprotected spot that would certainly make the young boy scream in pain.

His stomach. His chest. His shoulders. His legs. His arms. His head. His face. Everything hurt like hell. He didn’t even know it was possible to feel this much pain at the same time.

“Toshio!” Koji shouted. “what are you doing?”

The kicking stopped. Yamaguchi  coughed and gasped for air.

_Please. Let in stop. Let the pain stop._

But Toshio didn’t stop. He looked at his friend for a second and then kicked Yamaguchi so hard In his stomach that the boy completely collapsed and smacked into the asphalt.  He held his hands to his stomach and had to close his eyes to stop himself from crying. It hurt so much that he threw up, half on the road, half on his own trousers.

 _Why?_ He thought, _why me? Why does it always happened to me? Why does everybody always want to hurt me?_

He had never felt so much pain, both external and internal, in his whole life. It felt like his whole body was about to fall apart. Moving hurt, but laying still hurt too. He vision was blurry from all the kicks against his head, and the taste of vomit in his mouth was prove of the damage that had been done to his stomach.

But just as bad as the external pain, was the internal pain. The fear. The desperation. The hopelessness. Yamaguchi had come to a point where his whole being was in so much pain that he didn’t think it would ever end.

 “They called the police,”  Toshio said, “We told them that we would hurt the boy if they would do that. So that’s what I’m doing.”

“do you really think that that’s the best solution right now…” Koji looked concerned. He was Yamaguchi’s only hope right now.

“I don’t care what the right solution is. I keep my word. We would be unbelievable if we would just let this slide. Besides, I’m pissed.”

“can’t we just…”

“stay out of this, Koji.”

Toshio abruptly pulled Yamaguchi up at his right arm. Yamaguchi’s tried to stand up, but his legs immediately gave in, and a he fell with his knees on the asphalt. Toshio, who was still standing, kicked Yamaguchi in the chest with his knee and pulled the boy up again.

“stand up, god dammit.”

Yamaguchi tried to do what he had been told the best he could. What could he do otherwise? Everything hurt so much and he was so shocked that he was driving on instinct only. Right now, his instincts told him to listen to this man to prevent the worst.

It didn’t help one bit.

Toshio slammed Yamaguchi with his back into the side of the van. Yamaguchi’s head hit against the metal and bounced up and down. A sharp pain pierced trough his brain and almost made him collapse again.

He was completely defenceless against a grown men. So when Toshio slammed his body into the car again, he couldn’t do anything else but take the pain.

The man didn’t stop there. He slapped the boy across the face and pulled his head back at his hair.

He pulled so hard that Yamaguchi had to stand on his toes to make sure that the man wouldn’t pull his hair out. He was biting his lip to keep himself from screaming, but knew that it was pointless to stop himself from crying. He welcomed the warm and salty tears on his sweaty cheeks, as if it made him feel safe.

“turn around.” Toshio ordered.

Yamaguchi turned around as fast as his trembling knees would let him. Toshio put a strong hand on his neck and put the other hand around his arm.

Yamaguchi desperately looked to his side, where Koji stood. The man didn’t move, he just stood there, shocked, but not willing to do anything.

 _Please help_ , Yamaguchi tried to say with his eyes. _Please help._

Koji just looked away with a shameful look on his face.

“so,” said Toshio. He still stood behind Yamaguchi, and still held him at his neck and his arm. Yamaguchi could feel the man’s body warmth against his back, and his breathing in his neck.

The man spoke with a cold tone in his voice.

“maybe we should do something about that pretty face of yours.”

_Oh god no. Oh. God. No._

Yamaguchi felt the grip of the hand around his neck tighten. He couldn’t escape. He couldn’t do anything.

Toshio slammed Yamaguchi’s face into the car with so much force that Yamaguchi thought he was going to die.

His nose felt like it exploded. So much pain in such a small area. He heard a snap and knew that it was broken. He didn’t even feel the blood that now dripped over his face,  he didn’t feel anything, except the excruciating pain and the anxiety that pounded through his body.

BANG.

The second time that his face was slammed in the car was worse that the first time. It wasn’t only his nose that hurt, it was everything. He was afraid that his forehead was going to break. If he wasn’t so shocked, he would notice how dizzy he was. He would notice how he could hardly see anymore. He would notice how he hardly stood on his own legs anymore. But his realization didn’t go much further than the pain that he felt. That alone was already almost too much to take in.

BANG.

The third time made him feel the most scared. The most terrified. The most out of control. The feeling of somebody else shoving your body into something, the feeling of a hand around your neck that pushed you into agony, It scared him to death. He wanted it to stop. But when he felt the hand around his neck tighten again, he knew it wouldn’t stop, it would never stop, he would for always be trapped and…

BANG.

Every time his head hit the truck he would let out a small, agonizing scream. Every time, he would feel the horrible pain get worse and worse. Every time, he would think: this is the last one. He didn’t even know if he hoped that the man would stop or if he hoped that he would just pass out. At this point he didn’t really care anymore.

BANG.

He started to lose his senses. He was dizzy, and had lost the control over his body. He couldn’t resist. He couldn’t fight back. He could only wait till it was over. Through his mouth he tasted vomit, tears, and blood. It felt like everything inside him was broken.

BANG.

He was going to die. Suddenly he was sure of it. He was going to die at the hands of this man. He would be slammed into this car till there was nothing left of him.

BANG.

Maybe dying wouldn’t even be so bad at this point. Anything to stop this horrible pain. Anything to put this horrible fear to rest.

BANG.

Please just let it end. It doesn’t matter how. Please….just let it end.

BANG

One last excruciating time.

But then, suddenly, Yamaguchi could hear himself crying. He heard his own raw voice sobbing and screeching, and it took him a few seconds to realize that he heard himself because he wasn’t smashed into the car anymore.

For a second, he felt an overwhelming sense of relief.

Then he got thrown into another hell.

Toshio threw Yamaguchi to the ground. Again, the asphalt added a few more painful bruises to his broken body.

Because that was how he felt. Completely broken. Completely destroyed.

Sadly, as long as he was still alive, he could still be destroyed a little more.

Toshio didn’t intent to stop just yet. Yamaguchi was exhausted and didn’t have any energy to defend himself.

The kicks where just as powerful as in the begin, but so much more painful. Every kick hit him on a place that was already bruised, and by now he knew he must also have broken a few bones.

And he was tired. He was so tired. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t fight anymore. His mind has reaches his limit sooner than his body did.

One particular kick hurt him more than to others, and he let out a scream that even scared him a little.

The whole time, he had is eyes closed.

The whole time, he hoped that it would end, and with every kick, that hope shrank.

A kick to his side made him collapse again. He smacked into the ground and didn’t even try to get up anymore.

The whole time, he had been sniffing, crying, sobbing and screaming, but he hadn’t said any actual words yet.

Till now.

In one last attempt to safe himself, he stretched his hand in the direction of the shocked man that had been watching from the side. His only hope.

He let out one last cry for help.

“Koji….please…help…me…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so intense to write, omg.
> 
> I'm so sorry Yamaguchi, can you ever forgive me?
> 
> Please tell me if you liked the chapter! I'll update the next one soon.


	10. Chapter 10

“Koji….please…help…me…”

Koji just stood there, completely petrified, his eyes wide and his mouth half open. 

_Do something. Say something. Anything._

Koji’s eyes met Yamaguchi’s for one second, but the man looked away.

Yamaguchi let out a small cry.

“what do you think your saying, heh?” Toshio asked angry.

“no…no…nothing.” Yamaguchi stuttered.

“It better not be.”

The man raised his foot again, and Yamaguchi expected another kick, but instead, the man decided to stand on Yamaguchi’s extended hand.

“aaahh!” It felt like his hand was falling apart.

“don’t think that somebody is going to save you or something.”

One kick against his back. One kick against his side.

“Your parents shouldn’t have called the police.”

One kick against the arms that he held before his face.

“it’s all their fault.”

One kick in his stomach that almost made him throw up again.

Then, for a few seconds, peace.

Till Toshio suddenly grabbed him by his shoulder and threw him against the van. Yamaguchi’s legs gave in immediately, and he landed in sitting possession against the van. Toshio kneeled down in front of him.

“look at me.” The man ordered.

Yamaguchi slowly raised his head.

Toshio smirked and took his phone out of his pocket.

Click.

Before Yamaguchi realized it, the man had taken a picture of his bloody and beaten face.

“Toshio, what are you…?” Koji asked.

“this is our proof that they can’t fuck with us and that we hold or promises. We’ll sent in to his parents later.”

The man put his phone back into his pocket and dragged the crying Yamaguchi with him. The boy tried to stumble along, but his legs didn’t listen. Toshio was strong enough to just pull Yamaguchi with him, and didn’t seem to care that he had beaten a child so severely that he had lost his ability to walk.

Yamaguchi got thrown into the van, and didn’t even care about how painful he landed. Would it finally be over? Would this hell finally end?

“were going to drive further till we’ve got word from Isamu,” Toshio said, “keep an eye on the boy.”

Yamaguchi didn’t even notice that Koji stepped in the van too. He didn’t even notice that the van started driving.

Now that the kicking had stopped, he finally had the time to fully feel all the damage that had been done to his body, and that was a terrifying thing.

His legs and arms where completely covered in bruises. His head and face where bleeding, and he felt incredibly dizzy and nauseous. His nose was broken and he had apparently bitten on his tongue in the process, so even his mouth was bleeding.  

His chest probably hurt the most, and every breath was more painful than the last one.  His hand was painfully swollen, and when he tried to move it a little it hurt more than he had expected. His whole body was trembling and he couldn’t stop crying.

In fact, he cried harder than he had before. Everything was over and he didn’t have to physically defend himself anymore, so his whole body let out all the tension. He was too tired to control his shaking shoulders and painful sobs, so he just let everything go. He cried and he cried and he cried, like he had never done before. He didn’t think he could ever stop. 

Suddenly, he felt a calming hand on his shoulder.

“Yamaguchi…”

It was Koji’s worried voice.

Yamaguchi suddenly felt an unusual strong feeling of anger.

“Don’t touch me!” He screamed with a raw voice. 

Koji seemed to be surprised by this sudden outburst, but didn’t let go of Yamaguchi’s shoulder.

“Yamaguchi, I..”

“DON’T TOUCH ME!”

Koji slowly let go of Yamaguchi’s shoulder and sat down against the side of the van.

For a few minutes it was completely silent except for Yamaguchi’s sobs. He was completely done with everything. He didn’t care that he just screamed against his kidnapper, he had every right to scream. He had been scarred for his life, and he had every right to be angry.

It was weird for him to feel anger. When he got bullied, he had always been too scared to talk back. But now he had been beaten so badly that he had given in to his instincts.

Yamaguchi didn’t know if he had to be proud or scared, but his outburst certainly seemed to have had an effect on Koji. While the drove further into the middle of nowhere, Yamaguchi held his eyes closed, but sometimes, if he looked through his eyelids a little bit, he saw the man sitting against the back of the van, his eyes filled with worry, his face pail and expressionless.

Yamaguchi closed his eyes again. He was taken over by his tiredness and he tried not to think about everything that had happened, was happening, and was maybe about to happen.

Because that was his greatest fear right now. What if the car would stop driving _again?_

What if all of that would happen to him _again?_

He came to a point where he wasn’t sure if he was crying about the pain that he had felt on the street, the pain that he felt right now, or the pain that he would feel in the future, the only thing that he knew was that was in pain and that he wanted it to stop.

So he held his eyes firmly closed and pretended to disappear again.

And because of that, he was completely unaware of what the grown man that set next to him was about to do.

He didn’t see how Koji got his phone out of his pocket and looked at it in doubt.

He didn’t see how Koji slowly typed in the number that he needed and held his phone against his ear.

He didn’t see Koji’s face of panic when he needed to start talking.

He did however, hear Koji talking, and the thing that he said instantly made Yamaguchi open his eyes.

“hello,” Koji said in a low voice, “Am I speaking with the police?”

_Huh? The police?_

through his tears, Yamaguchi saw a very blurry Koji with a phone against his ear.

“My name is Koji Masao,” Koji said, “and I’m one of the kidnappers of Yamaguchi Tadashi.”

Yamaguchi’s heart started raising. What was happening?

“please,” Koji said after some time, “let me speak. If you listen to me, I’ll help you get the boy to safety.”

Yamaguchi almost forgot about his injuries. Was Koji going to help him out?

“Look,” Koji said, “Me and one other friend of mine are driving in a van heading for Tokyo.”

Silence

“Juji Toshio.”

Silence.

“Toshio is driving. I am in the back of the van with the boy.”

Silence.

“I decided to quit, but Toshio doesn’t know that. He is still fully motivated to go through with this. He is a dangerous man who is capable of a lot. I’ll give you the number plate of the car, and you can do what you think is best.”

Koji gave the police the number plate and the location of the car. Yamaguchi could hardly believe that this was all really happening.

“If you decide to try to pull over the car,” Koji said,  “do all you think is necessary . Just remember that Toshio isn’t going to cooperate easily.”

Silence.

“The boy isn’t in a good condition. Toshio beat him up severely and he has to go to the hospital as soon as possible. He probably has a few broken ribs and his head got a few strong kicks as well.”

Silence.

“of course. I’ll take full responsibility for all the things that I did. I just want the boy to be safe as soon as possible now.”

Silence.

“yes. Of course. I understand…I’ll have to go now.”

Click.

It was completely silent. Koji still held his phone in his hand, like he was not sure what he wanted to do with it.

Yamaguchi couldn’t help but stare at the blond man.

Koji didn’t want to look at Yamaguchi and looked at the flour.

None of them said anything, till Koji raised his head and finally looked the confused boy in the eyes.

Was the man…crying?

“Yamaguchi,” Koji said, his voice frail and broken.

“are you ready to go home?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading the chapter!
> 
> Please tell me if you liked it, and see you at the next update ^_^


	11. Chapter 11

A crying Koji. A confused Yamaguchi. Blurry visions. And then, the sentence:

“Yamaguchi…are you ready to go home?”

It was silent for a few seconds.

A warm feeling spread around in Yamaguchi’s stomach. A happy feeling.

_Home. I am going home._

Koji smiled a little. “don’t get too overexcited, now. We aren’t there yet. The police still has to free you from Toshio.”

Yamaguchi didn’t know what to say. His throat was so sore from all the crying that he didn’t even know if he could talk. He had a lot of things he wanted to say and lot of things that he should probably say, but in the end, the only thing he got out of his mouth was a question.

“why…” he asked slowly, “why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?”

Koji opened his mouth, but immediately closed it again. He seemed to look into himself for an answer, and Yamaguchi gave him the time.

“you know…,” he said, “when I was a kid, I always had a clear understanding of what was right and what was wrong. When someone would bully someone else at school, it always shocked me. I couldn’t understand why people could ever hurt another human being. Hurting people was wrong, and you didn’t do wrong things, I thought. It was as simple as that. I was…convinced that I would never hurt someone else. I was convinced that I would always only help people.”

He smiled a little. “I would like to think that I still have the same morals as I had back then, but look where we are. Somewhere in my life, I clearly must have lost those morals to be able to do such hurtful things, right?”

Yamaguchi didn’t know what else to do but nod. He didn’t know why, but he felt uneasy. His kidnapper opening up to him wasn’t something he was prepared for.

“well,” Koji continued, “you’re not entirely wrong there. It’s a harsh and complicated world we live in. When you grow older, you’ll notice that the world isn’t as simple and straightforward as it seems. Even if you try to hold onto strong morals, sometimes those morals get stretched. Sometimes, you’ll find yourself doing things you could never imagine yourself doing.”

There was small silence. Yamaguchi didn’t know if he should say something or not. He felt an incredible tension hanging in-between him and Koji.  The air felt thick and filthy, like something wasn’t right. Yamaguchi was confused, happy that he was maybe going home, scared because he didn’t know what was going on.

Koji seemed to be conflicted about whenever he should talk or not. The man looked small and fragile sitting against the side of the van, his arms around his legs, his blond hair sticking to his forehead because of all the sweat.

He had a look in his eyes that went further than sadness. There was something like utter despair lurking in those eyes, and Yamaguchi didn’t know what to do with that.

He was angry at Koji.

But he was also scared of Koji.

And now, in this silence, he suddenly felt pity for Koji.

He didn’t know why. He just saw that the man was in so much pain that it was hard to even look at him.

When Koji finally opened his mouth to talk again, it felt like his words pierced through the silence and Yamaguchi’s heart at the same time.

“you know,”  he said, suddenly looking at the ground, “I have a son. He is called Ren, and he is a few years younger than you.”

Yamaguchi forgot to breathe for a second. Somehow, he already knew what was coming.

“A year ago…he got really sick.”

A knot in Yamaguchi’s stomach. Koji still looked at the ground, talking to his shoes.

“when we first got the diagnoses…we still thought there would be hope. His mom had died…a year after he was born.”

The silence in-between felt even heavier now.

“It was hard raising him on my own…but we have such a strong bond. We…we have been through a lot, together, and I thought…we would fight this together, too. I was convinced…that he would get better again.”

Koji looked up, eyes filled with pain, tears on his cheeks, and Yamaguchi had to force himself not to look away.

“Ren…my son…” Koji said, and for a second Yamaguchi thought that he saw anger, “he isn’t going to get better anymore. The treatment didn’t work. The doctors said…that he will maybe have a year. Probably less. There was nothing they could do anymore.”

Koji breathed out. A long, heavy sigh.

“Koji, I..” Yamaguchi didn’t know what to say. All the tension that had hung in-between them had fallen on the ground and now neither of them knew what to do with it.

Koji took a deep breath and wiped the tears out of his face with his sleeve.

“there was,” he said, “one more change for him. One surgery that could maybe safe him. But we would have to go to Amerika for that, to a special clinic. I had a small job at a supermarket and I could hardly pay the bills…I just didn’t have the money. I just didn’t have the money to safe my child.”

Silence. Everything suddenly made sense.

“first, I tried to work harder. More. I did as much as I could. But I also had a sick child to care of…even if I would work around the clock, there wasn’t a lot of time. I needed the money right there, and right now.”

Koji looked at Yamaguchi with cold, hard eyes.

“I needed money, so I decided to cooperate with this plan being convinced that it was the right thing to do. Everything was worth it if I could safe Ren. I decided to kidnap you, to tie you up, to hurt you,  because I thought that that was the only thing I could do to safe my son.”

Silence. It felt like pieces of a puzzle where all coming together. Yamaguchi was relieved and frightened at the same time. Koji looked at him like he was going to kill him.

“as a father,” Koji said, “It was the right thing to do. As a father, I would let you get kicked by Toshio for weeks and weeks on end, if that would safe Ren...I wouldn’t care. and as a father, I am now incredibly angry at myself for calling the police. I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for that, as a father, but…”

Koji’s eyes got softer again.

“as human...I just couldn’t do it. I just can’t justify it anymore. When we started with this, I thought it was morally okay to hurt someone else if that would safe my child. But now I realize that that is bullshit. I have no right to fuck up anybody’s life, and I don’t know why I didn’t realize this earlier but…you must know…I did this all out of desperation…and….I really don’t want you to see me as a bad person.”

There was another silence. This time, Yamaguchi knew he had to say something. If he didn’t, the man would basically fall apart before his eyes.

“I don’t think you’re a bad person,” he whispered. He was surprised that he actually meant it.

A small, sad smile went over Koji’s face. “that means a lot to me you know. I probably don’t deserve your kindness. I….when you screamed at me for touching you…I felt like the worst peace of shit that ever lived…I am probably the worst peace of shit that ever lived. I looked at you, and how badly hurt you are, and I thought about your parents, and how scared they must be. Scared to lose their son. I know that fear, I have felt that fear, and I know how horrible it is. Still, I somehow thought it was okay to cause it for somebody else to help myself. Because even if life is fucking complicated, in the end, those stupid morals that I had as a kid are easy to follow. Hurting other people is wrong. It is always wrong…”

He sighed.

“and here I am…fucking up the life of a teenager…how low can you go…you must hate me more than anything.”

“I…” Yamaguchi said, “I don’t actually think that I hate you.”

Koji seemed seriously surprised. “you don’t?”

Yamaguchi shrugged his shoulders, for how far that was possible in a laying position. “that Toshio friend of yours scares me way more.”

Only the thought of the man already made Yamaguchi shiver.

_Don’t think about the pain, don’t think about the pain, don’t think about the pain._

Koji nodded. “I guess that makes sense. Toshio is…far gone. More than me. Life fucked him over. It’s actually quite sad.”

Yamaguchi looked at the floor in thought. He was curious about Toshio, but he also didn’t want to know anything about him. It would only make things more complicated. If he would feel sad for Toshio, he wouldn’t be able to be angry at him anymore. And if he wouldn’t be able to be angry anymore…

It felt like being angry was his last strength left, and he didn’t want to lose that.

 He sighed. “I guess everyone who does something like this probably has a reason for it one way or another.”

His mumbling was hardly hearable, but Koji’s face lighted up either way.

“you’re right about that,” He said. “not that you should feel sorry for us or anything…but maybe…I thought if you would know why we do these things, you could deal with it better yourself.”

Yamaguchi thought about that. He looked at Koji, and it felt confusing to feel sad for someone that had hurt him so much, but it also strangely calmed him. Everything made sense now. Koji had done all this for his kid, and that meant…

_It isn’t my fault. I did nothing wrong. I did nothing that made me deserve this._

Yamaguchi tried to smile, and was surprised that it actually worked. “yes,” he said,  “thank you.”

For a second, both of them felt relieved. For a second, everything was kind of okay. But like all peaceful moments that Yamaguchi had experienced in the last days, This one was also about to get destroyed by something unpredictable.

Sirens. Loud, high pitched sirens.

The police was here. The police had found this car and was going to try to stop it.

Toshio, In the front of the car, cursed so loud that you could hear it clearly in the back of the van. The speed of the car immediately increased so rapidly that Yamaguchi could feel it in his stomach.

He nervously looked at Koji, but the man only smiled.

“looks like they decided to pick you up, Yamaguchi. Hold on tight, this is going to be a wild ride.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked the chapter, see you at the next update ^_^


	12. Chapter 12

Laying in the back of a van that was being chased by the police wasn’t something Yamaguchi would ever recommend.

Being seriously injured while doing that wasn’t something he would recommend either.

He was scared. Insanely scared. The car was driving at an immense speed and sometimes took rapid turns that would throw Yamaguchi against the side of the van. He would smack into the flour and let out little screams of pain every time it happened, and after the third time Koji decided that he couldn’t let this go on like this.

He sat down against the back of the van with his legs wide.

“come sit here against me,” he said, “I’ll hold you so you’ll won’t be thrown around anymore.”

Yamaguchi was sceptic, but when he was thrown against side of the van again and landed on his painful hand, he crawled towards the man and sat down against him.

In every other situation this would be the most awkward position to sit in with a stranger, but after all the weird, scary stuff that happened yesterday, he didn’t care.

He sat down with his back leaning on the man’s chest and his feet pulled up. Koji hold him tight into his strong arms, so every time they took a turn, Yamaguchi wouldn’t fall.

It was hard for him to sit straight, as he was still so severely injured that even laying down felt like torture, but it was better than being thrown around trough the van. He had pretty much completely collapsed on Koji’s chest and his head leaned on the man’s shoulders.

He felt surprisingly safe in Koji’s arms. Toshio was doing everything he could to shake of the police, and Yamaguchi tried not to think about how dangerous this situation was. He didn’t know where they were driving and how fast they were driving, but from the shaking of the van he could image how troublesome it would be if they would crash.

“KOJI,” Toshio screamed from the front cab. “HOLD ON!”

Toshio hit the brakes, and Yamaguchi fell forward. Koji held him close, but Yamaguchi got shoved into the man’s arms with so much force that he ended up vomiting, again. There wasn’t a lot of actual vomit, as he hadn’t eaten anything since this morning, but it tasted horrible, his stomach pretty much fell apart and now his shoes were also dirty. His throat  burned and the smell was awful. He had to bit his lip to force the tears back that always seemed to come out of nowhere. Why would he cry about throwing up?!

He felt pathetic, embarrassed and gross, but luckily, Koji was supportive.

“there, there,” The man said, “it’s going to be okay. You don’t have to feel bad about throwing up.”

“it’s gross,” Yamaguchi whispered, trying to swallow the taste away. “It hurts.”

“I know,” Koji said, “I’m sorry. You have to bear it a little longer. But I’m sure, soon you will be…”

BAM.

The car took a rapid turn to the right and threw both Koji and Yamaguchi of balance. Yamaguchi landed on his painful hand again and groaned.  Carefully, Koji tried to help the boy up, but the car declined speed and took another rapid turn, slamming Yamaguchi into the wall.

When he was finally sitting straight again, he was shaking. Toshio’s driving became more dangerous. The sirens of the police cars where always present, but sometimes, they suddenly got a lot softer. How look could a police chase go on?

Koji held him close but couldn’t prevent all of the pain. Yamaguchi was so badly injured that every bump in the road would sent a sting of pain through his body, and he felt as fragile as glass.

“it’s not going to too take long anymore, I promise,” Koji said. “does it hurt a lot?”

Yamaguchi currently had his eyes closed. “it’s okay.”

“are you scared?”

“I don’t want to die in a car accident.”

Yamaguchi felt Koji’s body flinch.  “it’s going to be fine. Toshio may be dangerous, but he is not stupid. He won’t..”

“KOJI,” Toshio screamed from the front cab, “I’M GOING TOWARDS THE FREE WAY.”

Koji felt Yamaguchi tremble, and for the first time during their car ride, the man screamed something back. “ARE YOU SURE THAT IS A GOOD IDEA?”

“I CAN’T SHAKE THEM OFF ON THESE SMALL ROADS. I’TS TO RISKY.”

Koji didn’t answer. Instead, he gave a small, soft pinch in Yamaguchi’s arm

“don’t worry. It will be fine. I’ll be your seatbelt.”

Yamaguchi tried to control his breathing, but of course, like all the other times, he failed miserably.

“you know what,” Koji said, “why don’t you tell me something about your Volleyball team?”

“my…team?” Yamaguchi asked in between two heavy breaths.

“Yeah. As a distraction. Tell me about them. Nice and slow. Take your time.”

Yamaguchi took a small breath and started talking.

“Our setter is Kageyama,” He said.

“Is he any good?”

“oh, yeah, he is the best. He is amazingly talented.”

“Do you have lots of talented people on your team?”

“yeah, you have Nishinoya, and Tanaka, and our ace, Asahi. We also have Hinata, who is a newbie but has amazing speed and jump power. And we have Tsukki of course.”

“what does Tsukki, do?”

“Tsukki is a middle blocker. He is the longest on our team. He will be 1.90 meters soon!”

“that’s awesome! And what do you…”

Koji stopped talking when he felt the cars speed increasing. A lot. It made Yamaguchi’s stomach turn around.

“this isn’t good,” Koji whispered.

The sound of Sirens got louder. The police was determined to stop the car, right here, right now, no matter what. Yamaguchi wasn’t sure if he was happy with that. He wanted to get out of this situation, but he did want to survive it.

“I’ll tell Toshio to stop driving at such ridicules speed,” Koji said,  “If we are on the freeway then there must be lots of other cars and…”

He would never finish his sentence.

Yamaguchi didn’t even got the time to be scared about what was happening.

BAM

_What?_

One moment he was just sitting against Koji, his head leaning on the man’s shoulder, next moment He was blown away by an incredible force.

It didn’t even feel like being blown away, it almost felt like being blown apart.

He was….flying? falling? Dying?  He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t scared. You didn’t have time to be scared if your body got slammed out of a driving car.

Chaos. Pain. Light. Why was it suddenly so light? Under him there was asphalt. On top of him was heavy weight, that felt like another human being.

The first thing he noticed, was the sound. There was so much sound. It overwhelmed him, it hurt him, it made him scared. There was screaming. There where sirens.  He wanted it all to stop.

He couldn’t move. He  couldn’t do anything. The weight on his body suddenly moved, and then disappeared.

“Yamaguchi!”

The voice sounded distorted, but it sounded familiar.

“Yamaguchi!”

Two hands on his shoulders. It hurt, but everything hurt, so it didn’t matter.

Yamaguchi couldn’t move. He could hardly see. Everything around him was blurry.

“Yamaguchi, please…stay with me.”

He tried to focus on the person that was talking to him. Who was it? who’s voice was this?

He couldn’t recognise the person in front of him, but it was a man, and his hair was blond.

_Blond…_

_Tsukki? Was it Tsukki? How was that possible?_

 “It’s going to be okay. Yamaguchi, you’re going home.”

“ts….ts…,” Yamaguchi tried to talk, “ts…tsu….ki..”

“yes! Tsukki. You’re going to tsukki!”

For some reason, Yamaguchi couldn’t process what was being said to him, except the name of his best friend. Suddenly, he felt remarkably calm. Tsukki was here. He wasn’t alone anymore. He didn’t  have to be scared anymore.

His body hurt and his mind was confused, but he was calm, and out of that calmness came one simple thought, that weirdly didn’t even scare him.

_I am going to die._

_I am dying right now._

He didn’t know why he wasn’t terrified. He was too tired to be scared.

He was crying, but he was also smiling. It was okay. Tsukki was here. It was okay.

He looked at his best friend (huh? Why didn’t he wear his glasses?) and even though everything hurt, it was okay.

“tsu….tsu…”

_I’m happy I got to know you._

Yamaguchi couldn’t find the strength to talk, so he just thought all the things he wanted to say.

_I’m happy I got to be your friend._

He smiled. On the inside and the outside. It was okay. Even if it was not okay, it was okay.

_I’m happy you are here with me at the end._

“hey!” an unfamiliar voice shouted. “You! Get away from the kid! Go lay on the ground with your hands on your head, or we’ll shoot you!”

_Huh? Tsukki, no, don’t go, I…_

He didn’t have the energy to finish that thought.

_Tsukki…._

The blond was suddenly gone.

“get him into the ambulance!”

Strange movements, strange feelings. He was lifted up, now flouting in the air, or that was how it felt.

_Tsukki._

Everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll end this on a cliff-hanger because I am evil.  
> I’m sorry I have to make you all suffer.  
> Next chapter will be updated very soon, I promise.


	13. Chapter 13

_Huh? Where am I?_

_Am I…dead?_

_I can still think, right?_

_I can still…be scared…_

_I can…still….be tired…_

_So tired…._

 

The sound of people whispering.

_Huh? Did I just hear something? Was that my imagination?_

_Am I…not dead yet?_

_Am I…._

A weird beeping sound, together with humming.

_What is that? Where am I?_

The sound of footsteps.

 

_Am I even still…_

 

Whispering.

 

_I don’t feel my body…am I dead…or am I still alive right now?_

A weird tingling feeling in his hand.

_Wait! I can still feel my hand!_

 

A distant pain in his head.

 

_I can still feel pain._

Talking.

 

_What happened?_

_Where am I?_

_Somebody, please tell me what is happening._

Suddenly silence. Scary, breath-taking, claustrophobic silence.

 

_I don’t want to be alone._

The beeping sound was still there.

 

_I want to…wake up…_

Everything was dark.

 

_Please don’t let me be alone_

Footsteps that soon disappeared again.

 

_Please…I’m scared…_

Silence.

_I…can’t move…_

Silence.

 

_I…can’t do anything…_

Silence.

 

_I…don’t…understand…_

Silence.

 

_I…am….scared…_

_I…don’t….want…to….be….alone…._

Silence.

 

_Why is there nobody here?_

Silence.

_I  so am tired…_

_I want to sleep…._

_I just want to sleep…_

 

* * *

 

 

 

The first thing Yamaguchi felt was the stinking pain in his head. I felt like he was waking up after years and years of sleep. After what seemed like an eternity of vague dreams and confusing thoughts, he now tried to fight his way back to consciousness.

He wasn’t dead. He had convinced himself of that. The pain that he felt, the things that he heard and the weird light that he would sometimes see where prove of that.

Waking up felt like drowning. Like trying to swim to the surface, but never reaching it. He kept falling back into weird visions. Sometimes, he would hear screaming. Sometimes, he would feel somebody kicking him. Sometimes, he would fly, and then crash into a wall. Sometimes he saw Tsukki’s face flouting above him, but then slowly disappearing.

Most of these dreams where terrifying. They were violent an chaotic. When he finally found the strength to open his eyes a little, he wished to never fall asleep again.

When he opened his eyes, it felt like regaining a part of his self. Even though he only saw blurry shapes and had to close them almost immediately, It made him feel safe that he had a change to say goodbye to the suffocating darkness.

The second time he opened his eyes, he felt a shiver going through his body. This time he could hold them open. Everything around him was white; the walls, the window, the curtains. He even tried to move, but his body was still too weak. He felt dizzy and tired, but he was awake.

“Tadashi!”

The voice was distant but familiar. He tried to move his head to look at the person speaking, but a sting of pain went through his head, preventing him from moving. He closed his eyes for a second.

“be careful sweetie, don’t try to move.”

_Mam? Is that you?_

“Katsumi! He is awake!”

Footsteps. Yamaguchi saw somebody walk around the end of the…bed? He only now realized that he laid in a bed.

“Tadashi, oh my goodness.”

His father’s voice sounded emotional. It was weird to hear that.

Somebody, probably his mother, placed her hand on his hand. “we were so scared that we wouldn’t get you back.”

Suddenly, Yamaguchi felt tears sting behind his eyes. He only now realized he was safe now. He wasn’t alone anymore.

“mom..” his voice sounded raw and soft.

“It’s okay sweetie…everything is okay now.”

“mom…”

He wanted to say something, he wanted to say so much, but he was too tired to talk.

“You’re going to be completely fine, Tadashi,” his mom said with a sweet, caring voice, “you’ll be home before you know it.”

Home? He suddenly realized that he wasn’t home.  He laid in a hospital.

His mom stood up and walked to the door of the room. “I’m going to get a nurse to check on you, now that you are awake. I’ll be back soon.

Yamaguchi didn’t have the strength to answer. His father still sat at the end of his bed, and for a few seconds they just sat there in silence.

Yamaguchi always had a hard time talking to his dad. Most of the time it was Yamaguchi who was nervous, but this time, his dad was the one that looked uncomfortable.

It was strange for Yamaguchi to see his dad like that…silent…nervous…emotional….It didn’t fit him at all.

When his dad finally opened his mouth, the first thing that came out was a long sigh.

“we…” he said, “we…your mother and I…we were so scared the whole time. So unbelievably scared.”

Yamaguchi didn’t say anything, but luckily it didn’t seem to be expected of him either.

“you will be happy,” his father said, suddenly determent, “to know that all of those punks that hurt you are arrested. Their punishment won’t be light.”

“wait…” Yamaguchi said, confused. What had happened to him again? Why was he here? He had been so busy with trying to wake up,  with the pain and the tiredness, that he completely forgot to think about what happened. He knew he was safe…and that he had been in a dangerous situation. But when he tried to remember what happened, his mind went blurry.

“the two that where with you in the car,” his father continued, “where also injured. The driver is still unconscious I believe. He got hit the hardest. Serves him right, in my opinion.  The other one seems to be fine, sadly. The dude fell on top of you, you know that? Because he landed on a kid, his injuries where less bad. Disgusting. I wish I could kick both of their asses and hurt them just as bad as they hurt you. And that third one too! How could they ever think it was okay to kidnap my son. _my_ son!”

Yamaguchi’s hands and face suddenly turned ice cold.

“dad,” he asked with a trembling voice, “I…I don’t know…what happened…”

He was scared. He didn’t know why, but he felt his limbs shaking and his heart race. He was scared because he couldn’t remember what had happened to him, but he was even more scared because the words that his father said made him feel unsafe again. It felt like he was about to remember something that was dangerous, something that he didn’t want to remember, and every word that his father had said made him feel more uneasy.

“you are probably still confused from the hit on your head. Your memories will return, don’t worry.”

_I don’t want them to return._

He wished his father would stop talking. It was all too much to handle. But the man didn’t seem to want to stop.

“when you have your memories back,” he said,  “be sure to tell the police exactly what happened. We are going to make these bastards pay for what they did to you.”

_I don’t want to do that…I don’t want to talk…I don’t even know what happened._

“The nurse examined your body and found out that not all of your injuries are from the car crash. You have bruises all over your body. What have they done with you Tadashi? how much have the hurt you to injure you this much?”

Yamaguchi couldn’t answer. He was too scared to talk. Suddenly, a wild variety om memories came back to him.

Pain. Lots of pain. His arms against his back. A cramped space, darkness, crying, panic, kicking. His hands tied behind his back. Loneliness.  More crying. Screaming. Laying in the van. A man sitting on his back. Asphalt. Kicks against his chest.

_No, no, no, I don’t want to remember that!_

His head slammed against the side of the van. Again, and again and again. It would never end. He would never escape this pain. The memories felt to real, to close, to terrifying. It wasn’t remembering, it was reliving.

He didn’t even notice that his breathing became heavier. He didn’t notice that he was sweating, he didn’t notice that he was crying.

“hey, Tadashi, what’s wrong?”

His father’s voice was far away.

“don’t…” Yamaguchi whispered, “don’t hurt me.”

“I’m not hurting you, nobody is here, you’re in the hospital!”

The words didn’t reach him. He felt kicks against his whole body. he was thrown in the van. There was vomit. There was pain. So much pain. He still felt it. His whole body was one big bruise.

Suddenly, he saw a face in his. A name. It came to him as a vision.

“Toshio…”

Speaking that name out loud made him panic even more. All the safety that he had felt was taken from him.

“those bastards are going to pay for this!” his father screamed.

_No, no, I don’t even know if I want that._

“I’m going to personally make them suffer, all of them.”

_No, I don’t want to think about that._

Suddenly, another name came up in Yamaguchi’s memory.

_Koji._

Then, everything came back in one big wave of memories. The way that they threw him in the trunk. The time he had spent in the room alone. The ride in the van. Being beat up on the road. The conversation with Koji.

Mostly that last memory send his mind into overdrive. Koji was too confusing to think about. Yamaguchi didn’t know if he had to see him as friend or enemy. It made him scared, not knowing what to think. Everything all seemed to be too much for him to handle.

His father kept talking about anger and punishment, and that didn’t make it easier. Yamaguchi didn’t want to talk about kidnappers. He just wanted to let everything go and rest for a moment. He didn’t want to decide whenever he was angry or not. He was confused and scared and he wanted it all to stop.

“dad…” he said, “I am scared.”

“I know son. They’ll pay for that.”

_No, no, no! I don’t care about that. I don’t want to think about that. I want…I want…_

“dad…where is Tsukki?”

“Tsukki?”

“my…friend.”

“I don’t know, Tadashi. I’m sure he will visit when he hears your back.”

“but…he was here…”

“here? In the hospital?”

“yes..” Yamaguchi found it hard to talk. “wait…no…not here…he was there…when the car crashed…”

“that is impossible, Tadashi.”

Yamaguchi was confused. He couldn’t think clear.

“there was only police when you crashed. And those kidnappers of course.”

“but…I saw him…”

“you just had a car accident, Tadashi. That must have fucked up your mind.”

_No. no, no, no. I don’t get it. I don’t get it._

“Tsukki was there!”

He didn’t know why he was so angry. His muscles tensed up and his voice was loud. He immediately became dizzy and very, very tired.

Tired.

Confused.

Scared.

He wished for the chaos in his head to stop. He wanted everything, the whole world, to stop. He wanted his father to go away. He wanted to sleep and never wake up again. He didn’t want to deal with fear and anger. He didn’t want to remember anything that happened. He didn’t want to be confused about what to think.

He wanted the world around him to make sense again.

Because now, the world didn’t make any sense, and he was more scared than ever. He didn’t even know why. There was nothing wrong. He was safe, in a hospital bed, with people that cared for him.

So why was he still so scared? Why did his chest hurt so much? Why did his heart race? Why did it feel like he couldn’t breathe anymore?

Why did it feel like he was dying?

He was hyperventilating, but hardly noticed it himself. He only noticed blurry visions, the chaos in his head, and the voices around him.

_Make it stop!_

“he is having a panic attack.”

The words didn’t sound like they came out of this world. Everything felt distant, and Yamaguchi just laid there in bed, unable to breath, alone, scared and confused.

“I’ll give him something to calm down.”

“this is all the fault of these punks!”

“Tadashi, please calm down, your mother is here, please calm down, please.”

_Shut up!_

He wanted to scream, but there was no sound. He wanted them all to go away. Leave him alone. It felt like he was suffocating. The chaos was too much.

“here, this will help.”

A sting in his arm.

Then, slowly, calmness.

Silence.

And finally, sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me longer than normally to write this chapter, but I’m pretty happy with the result.   
> Thank you all for reading and see you at the next update.


	14. Chapter 14

Yamaguchi laid in a hospital bed and he was alone. His eyes where half open, his body was connected to a whole lot of wires, and his head, chest, and hand where bandaged.

After the nurse had given him something to calm down during his panic attack, he had slept during the rest of the day and the night.  He had woken up in the morning, still tired, still in pain, still confused, but a little less scared.

His parents were gone.  The nurse suggested to call them immediately after he woke up, but he weakly asked her not too. He felt a little bad about that, but he really needed some time alone. He needed to process everything that had happened to him without the distraction of other people.

His parents where obviously upset about everything that happened. They were maybe even just as badly hurt as Yamaguchi himself, only in other ways. It was hard for Yamaguchi to deal with all the strong emotions that his parents felt while he couldn’t even deal with his own pain. His father’s anger and rage, his mother sadness and fear…It was hard to see. Harder than he thought it would be. He almost felt ashamed for being such a weakling again. Luckily, the nurse was understanding.

“if you need anything, just press this button,” she said with a sweet smile.

He nodded, and she left the room again.

And so he was alone. Alone with his thoughts and feelings.

This was pleasant and relaxing for a good two minutes. A good two minutes he somehow got to spend in the dizzy clouds of his still sleepy brain, unaware of all the horrible memories that could jump at him at any moment. After those two minutes however, he slowly woke up completely. His hands tensed up and squeezed the sheets.

He was afraid.

Of course, the fear wasn’t  gone yet. Of course, he couldn’t just let the past be the past and move on with his life.

Because even though he didn’t want it, and even though there was no reason, he was still scared. The feeling still embraced his body and dominated his mind. He could still feel his breathing escalate. He could still feel his body tense up, shiver, and even twitch a little. He could still feel his heart race and he could still feel how much he was sweating.

He still couldn’t make sense of what he was thinking, or feeling, and it still felt like everything inside him was about the explode.

Maybe…it was even a little worse.

He was cold and hot at the same time. He knew he wasn’t in danger, but for some reason he couldn’t believe that, and the fact that his feelings didn’t match up with reality was frightening. His eyes hovered around the room, looking for something dangerous, but he couldn’t find anything.

_I am safe. I am safe. I am safe._

The memories didn’t leave his side either. His mind kept repeating these awful memories to him over and over, and every time it was another reminder about how horrible everything was. Another reminder about how real everything was.

Yamaguchi didn’t want to know it was real. He didn’t want to believe that it all actually happened, and that it wasn’t just a horrible nightmare.

He tried to think about other things, but his thoughts wouldn’t let him. It was weird and scary and he lost control again and…

That was the most scary thing. Losing control. Losing control over your body. Losing control over your life. And now, eventually, losing control over your mind.

Yamaguchi didn’t want any of this. He just wanted to rest, and get better, and play volleyball and…

_I just want to forget everything._

The fear was still as unbearable as it had been during the kidnapping, and it didn’t matter how hard Yamaguchi tried to repress it, it still merciless rushed over him and made him almost want to cry.

Even though he laid in a safe bed and in a safe hospital, he still felt like he didn’t understand anything. He had his memories back, but the only caused more confusion. He didn’t know why all of this had happened. He didn’t know if he had to be angry or scared. He didn’t know why the world had decided to hurt him so much. He didn’t know what had exactly happened to Koji, Toshio and Isamu.

He was overwhelmed by strong emotions and he didn’t know how he was supposed to react. He felt like a freak, a weirdo, and he wished that somebody would just tell him what to feel. being scared to death in a safe hospital made him feel crazy. He didn’t want to think about any of this, but his mind forced him too. He was angry at himself for being such coward, and he didn’t want to be scared _ever_ again, but the fear didn’t go away, it would never go away again, he would always be scared and alone.  He didn’t know what  was happening, and he didn’t know what was going to happen, and he didn’t even know what time it was, and…

_I don’t know what time it is._

Suddenly, that small little insecurity seemed to make something snap inside of him. That small little thing, the fact that he didn’t know what time it was, apparently was enough to make all the other, big insecurities seem impossible to deal with.

He was reminded of that exact same feeling he had had when he was stuck in that room during the kidnapping; the feeling of losing all certainty  in the world, the feeling of needing this one, small, simple thing to get a grip on reality again, but still not getting it. Knowing the time had just always been important to him. When he got bullied in middle school knowing what time it was and how long he still had to wait for school to be over always gave him this weird sense of safety and control. No matter how scary and uncontrollable the world was, the time would be the time, and that would never change. Since then, it had become something that he wanted to know to feel safe, and in dangerous situations that wish grew even bigger.

His trembling hand reached in his pocket for the watch that Koji had given to him, and he panicked when he couldn’t find it. He couldn’t even find the pocket. He didn’t even have pockets.

He realized that they had changed his clothes, and the whole world around him seemed to collapse. He closed his eyes, tried to control his breathing, clenched his hands into fist –au! That hurt. Okay, don’t be scared, it is okay, it is okay, come on, close your eyes, don’t go cry now….

“Yamaguchi….”

A hand on his shoulder.

“…It’s okay….you’re safe.”

He opened his eyes. Next to him, the nurse looked at him with sympathy. Did she come in when he had closed his eyes? Her presence instantly made him less scared.

“there, there,” she said, like she was talking to a little kid, “everything is fine…you’re safe, okay?”

Yamaguchi nodded. For a minute or so, they just sat like this. The hand on his shoulder  made him slowly come back into reality. It wasn’t even weird to sit like this with a stranger.

“are you calm again?” the nurse asked.

Yamaguchi nodded. He still didn’t really feel the strength to talk, but the nurse seemed to appreciate his attempt to communicate.

She smiled. “good. I already felt like it wasn’t such a good idea to leave you alone. I understand that you get overwhelmed by those parents of yours and all, but being completely alone can give a lot of stress too. And we need to keep your head cool now.”

They were silent for minute. The nurse didn’t go away, and Yamaguchi found this strangely comforting. He wanted to be alone because he couldn’t handle the emotions of other people. But this person didn’t seem to be emotional or stressed…she felt like a pile of strength and peace, and that was exactly what Yamaguchi needed.

“you know…,” she said after some silence, “what you have been through was really, really horrible. It’s okay that you are scared. People who have to go through something like this…they sadly don’t always immediately get the rest and peace they deserve. Especially when you are still so young, it leaves a mark on you.”

Yamaguchi felt his cheeks turn red. He didn’t want to talk about this. He finally felt a little at ease, and he didn’t want to destroy that by talking about being afraid.

The nurse gave him an understanding smile.

“I know,” she said, “how frustrating it must be for you to still feel afraid even after you’ve been rescued. That is really hard. Healing from something as horrible as what you have been through is really hard. But I want you to know…that you don’t have to be ashamed of that.”

Yamaguchi didn’t say anything. He almost didn’t even breathe. He just laid in bed and listened to her words, scared and confused.

“when you get into a situation like…kidnapping,” The nurse continued, “you will look out for the moment that everything will finally be over. And now, when everything is over, it must be really hard for you to realize that it really isn’t completely over yet. Because pain like that needs to heal. Not only the wounds on your body. I also mean the wounds in your mind. They won’t just go away overnight.”

Yamaguchi felt his eyes grow bigger. He felt some kind of emotion bubbling inside of his stomach, something in between sadness and relief, but he didn’t know what to do with it.

“It’s normal you know,” the nurse said with a smile, “to get scared after something like this. I would be surprised if you wouldn’t be scared.”

Suddenly, Yamaguchi felt the overwhelming urge to talk. he opened his mouth, but nothing came out. The nurse gave him a supportive look that encouraged him to speak.

“I…I…I don’t want to be scared anymore,” he finally said with trembling voice.

For a second, there was sadness in the nurses eyes, but it immediately disappeared again.

“I understand that. I understand that so well. You must be so tired of all of this. Sadly, I can’t make the fear go away. I wish I could. But maybe…maybe I can help you to make it all a little bit less overwhelming.”

Yamaguchi looked at her without saying anything. He wanted to be helped…he wanted the fear to go away…but on the other hand…he didn’t want to have to deal with any of this. Not right now. Not when the thought of not knowing what time it was made him panic.

“I’m sorry,” the nurse said, “I didn’t even tell you my name yet. This must be really uncomfortable for you. I’m Hisae Aiko.”

Yamaguchi opened his mouth to tell her his name, but realized she already knew.

Hisae looked out of the window for a second, seemingly deep in thought. She didn’t look at him when she spoke again.

“I know you probably don’t want to think about everything that happened right now. I get that. But you know…it is important to not let everything just bottle up inside. It must be hard for you to even think about everything, but if you could just let out…a little bit…it could already help you.”

Yamaguchi looked at the blanket that was draped over his body. “I don’t know…” he mumbled.

“are you scared that you’ll panic again?”

He nodded.

“when you panicked yesterday…it was triggered by your father, right? Could you try to tell me what it was that made you scared? Was it something he said? Something he did?”

Yamaguchi felt his hands tremble under the blanket. He thought back about yesterday, but immediately got overwhelmed. He tried to explain what he had felt, but he couldn’t find the words.

“take it easy,” Hisae said, “take your time.”

“I…,” Yamaguchi said after some time, “he made me feel…confused…and…I didn’t remember anything…but then suddenly…everything…all these memories…came back at once…and…it was really scary.”

“You didn’t remember the kidnapping when you woke up?”

“no…I had forgotten everything…and I…the way he talked about it…made me really uncomfortable..”

“it must’ve been scary for you to suddenly remember all that painful stuff.”

“yes…it was…I really…I really…” Yamaguchi swallowed, “I really didn’t want to remember…”

“I get that.” Hisae kept her hand on his shoulder and looked at him with an open, warm smile. It wasn’t too much. It wasn’t too little. It was just enough.

“remembering is really painful,” she said, “but sadly, its sometimes necessary. You repress your feelings and memories because you are scare and you don’t want that, But that only makes them worse and more painful. So instead of trying to ignore your feelings or push them away, maybe you should try to…let them pass through you.”

“pas through me?”

“try to accept that they are there. Try to accept how much they hurt you. Being afraid really sucks. It really, really sucks. But that is okay. It is okay to feel bad. You don’t have to deal with this alone.”

Yamaguchi didn’t know what to say.

“you know what,” Hisae said, “what if you tried to tell me one, tiny, little thing that made you afraid. You don’t have to tell me about your biggest, most scary memories. But maybe you can tell me about a small little thing that just…made you a little uncomfortable.”

“I guess.” Yamaguchi wasn’t sure of it.

“you can take as much time as you need. Just…carefully try to think back. Don’t push yourself to hard. If you don’t want to tell me anything in the end, it’s okay too.”

“okay,” Yamaguchi said, because Hisae was smiling so nicely. He didn’t want to disappoint her.  “I’ll try it.”

He thought back. Carefully, he gave in to his memories. For the first time since he was in the hospital, he voluntarily thought back about the days before, instead of being forced by his head.

When a particular memory was too scary to think about, he immediately thought about something else. At one point, he almost lost control over himself again. Everything seemed to come at him at once, and he was overwhelmed by the chaos in his head.

Hisae carefully removed her hand from his shoulder and gently stroked his hair. “easy…” she whispered, “easy…don’t push yourself.”

“I…” he wanted to say something, just to silence his brain, but nothing came out.

“it’s okay,” Hisae said, “it’s okay...If you get overwhelmed, pull away. If it’s too much, we will stop. Don’t focus on the bigger fears too much. I know the whole thing was terrible. It’s okay.”

Yamaguchi gasped for air.

“you’re in the hospital, remember? You’re safe. Why don’t you try to say that to yourself? I am safe.”

Yamaguchi swallowed. “I…am…safe.”

“good job, Yamaguchi!” she looked genially proud of him.

The fear slowly slipped away. Yamaguchi looked at Hisae’s face, and noticed that her neutral smile made him feel more calm.

“I think…” he said, “I think I have something I can tell you.”

She smiled even more, her hand on his shoulder again. “good. Take your time.”

“I,” he mumbled, not knowing why it took him so much strength to talk. “I didn’t like it…that I had to sleep on the flour. I didn’t really care…because all the other stuff was way worse…but it was actually really uncomfortable.”

 “yeah, It must be hard to sleep comfortably like that.”

“yes.” He took a fresh breath of air. “I didn’t like it...that…I had to be alone…at night.”

“you must have been really scared.”

“yes...yes…I…and…I couldn’t sleep….and…Koji…and he heard….when we were in the car…I mean…at night…he had heard me…crying…and now…I don’t know…I just felt…I don’t know…”

He lost control again. He kept rambling, hoping it would somehow start to make sense, but it didn’t. Luckily, Hisae took him out of it again.

“slow down, Yamaguchi, hey, look at me. Easy, okay? Don’t overwhelm yourself.”

He nodded, tried to talk again, but suddenly didn’t know what to say anymore.

Hisae helped him get back on track.

“you had to sleep on the ground,” she said, “that was uncomfortable. Was there more that was uncomfortable? Not scary or dangerous, but just uncomfortable.”

“uh…” Yamaguchi saw himself sleeping on the ground again. He tried to push the thought about himself crying and panicking away, and then remembered something else.

“I didn’t like it that I couldn’t go to the toilet when I needed to go,” he said.

She nodded, and waited patiently for more.

Suddenly it was easier. He opened his mouth, and a whole lot of words came out.

“I didn’t like it that there were no windows…it was muggy….and…cramped. I didn’t like it that I didn’t have anything to do…and that I just had to sit there and wait. I didn’t like it that I only got a sandwich to eat…It tasted quite old too. I didn’t like it that the car…they put me in…smelled like cigarettes…”

While he was talking, he was surprised about the things he was saying. Some of the things he couldn’t even remember that well. Back then, he was too focused on other things to notice anything about mild inconveniences.  But now he could look back at it, he realized how many tiny little things had bothered him.

“I didn’t like it that one of them was blond…he reminded me of my best friend. It was confusing. I didn’t like it that the house was too warm. I didn’t like that the car made weird sounds when we took a turn. I didn’t like it…that I didn’t know the time.”

He suddenly looked Hisae directly in the eyes. “what is the time?” he asked.

She smiled at him. A warm, big, understanding smile.

Then she turned around, and pointed at the clock that hang against the wall. He hadn’t even noticed it yet.

“it’s half past ten,” she said.

Yamaguchi’s world slowly fell on its place again.

“thank you,” he said. Than he hesitated. “can we...can we talk about something else now?”

He was suddenly really tired and wanted to rest.

“yes, of course,” Hisae answered. “You already did really well. And you shouldn’t exhaust yourself to much.”

He nodded thankfully.

Hisae stood up and looked at the papers in her hand.

“the reason that I got here is actually  to tell you something about a couple of test I need to do with you to further examine your injuries.  We will run the test later today, but I wanted to tell you a little bit about them before hand, so you won’t be overwhelmed too much, is that okay?”

“yeah.” Yamaguchi even managed to smile a little.

He felt a little safe.

It wasn’t much.

But it was better than nothing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter!
> 
> Okay, so, I always like to write a few chapters in advance so I can post regularly even if I don’t have the time to write.   
> Most of the time when I post a chapter, I have 3 or 4 more to post. That really gives me a sense of security.
> 
> Lately though, writing hasn’t been as easy as it was in the beginning. I only have two more chapters, and that makes me a little uneasy.
> 
> It isn’t that I don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s very clear to me what I want to write, and I still have lots of idea’s. It’s more that I’m unsure about how to write it.
> 
> I guess I’m just a little insecure about my writing right now. The story is going into the “recovery part” and that is a lot different from the “kidnapping part.” 
> 
> I’ll do my best though! I probably just have to push through the writers block a little.
> 
> Hope you guys liked this chapter! See you in the next one!


	15. Chapter 15

Hisae took her time to explain everything she needed to tell him about the tests he needed to do. After she was done, she also told him that the police would come here one day or another, to ask him some questions.

This made Yamaguchi immediately panic a little, and Hisae saw his face turn white.

“it’s okay,” she said, “we won’t let them talk to you until we believe you’re strong enough. Don’t worry about it.”

Yamaguchi was relieved. Even talking about the little things had made him tired and confused. He didn’t think he could handle any more right now.

“how long do I have to stay here?” he asked. He wanted to go home. He didn’t think he would feel truly safe, truly normal till he was home.

“a couple more days,” Hisae said, “it depends on you really. But I would say as soon as possible. It’s probably easier for you to relax when you’re at home, and it would help you a great deal with your anxiety, I think.”

“I think so too,” Yamaguchi said shyly.

“it mostly depends on your head,” Hisae said, “You’ve got a few serious injuries there. Not only from the car accident, but apparently also from other…incidents. I’m sorry, I don’t want to remind you of painful stuff, but we need to be completely sure it’s safe for you to go home before we can let you go.”

“I get that.”

“good.” Hisae stood up. “one more question, and then I’ll leave you to rest. How are you feeling physically? Do you have any pain? Because if you do, we have painkillers here for you.”

It somehow took Yamaguchi a lot of energy to understand how he was feeling. It was almost like he had lost the contact with his body.

“I….” he started, “I am tired…and I’m dizzy. And sometimes I can’t see straight. My head hurt too, but mostly when I move. Sometimes it hurt to breathe, my chest hurts, and my stomach hurts. I think…I think everything hurt a little. My arms and legs too. And my hand,” He looked at the hand that was bandaged, “because Toshio stood on it.”

He didn’t mean to say that last part, but for some reason it came out anyway, and with more anger than he intended. Luckily Hisae hardly reacted on it. For a small second you could see the destress on her face, but she immediately brought out that smile again.

“I’ll get you something for the pain. You should try to rest now. Try to sleep a little. If you need anything, or if you’re just scared and don’t want to be alone, you can press that button, right?”

“right.”

She walked towards the door.

“oh,” she said, before she left the room, “and Yamaguchi?”

“yes?”

“I really think I should call your parents now. But I’ll tell them not to talk to you about anything that could upset you, okay?”

Yamaguchi nodded. “okay.”

Then she left. After five minutes some other nurse came in and gave him some painkillers. Slowly he felt the pain in his body ebb away, and before he knew it, he got taken down by sleep.

Talking had made him tired, and now that the pain was gone and he was a little less scared, he welcomed the sleep with open arms.

It felt like he slept for ages, but it wasn’t a panicky sleep, he didn’t have any nightmares, and when he woke up, he wasn’t that scared. He was a little confused about where he was. When he realized that he was in the hospital he felt his body tense up for a few seconds, but when he looked at the wall and saw that it was half past 1, he relaxed a little.

Soon after he woke up Hisae came in, together with another nurse. They did a couple of simple tests on him, and Hisae told him that, even though his injuries where very serious, he would probably make a full recovery. For now, it was mostly important for him to rest however, and she told him to take a little nap again.

This wasn’t hard to do. The test he had to do where simple, and mostly involved answering questions, but it still made him feel incredibly tired. So when Hisae and the other nurse left the room, he almost immediately drifted back to sleep.

The next time he woke up, it was 3 a clock. He was still tired and he slowly woke up completely.

“hey, Tadashi,” a soft voice next to him. “did you have a nice nap?”

He turned his head a little and saw his mother. He couldn’t help but smile, and he nodded.

Even though it had been stressful yesterday, he was happy that she was here now.

She smiled back, and carefully stroke through his hair. “that’s nice, sweetie.”

She was…different then yesterday. She didn’t cry, and even looked okay. She had bags under her eyes and looked exhausted, sure, but she didn’t seem that upset anymore. That really helped Yamaguchi calm down, for some reason.

When his father came in, and gave him a big, sincere smile, he couldn’t help but feel a little happiness bubble up in his stomach. Seeing his father smile was a strange thing. It almost made him a little uncomfortable, but in a good way.

“ah, there is my fighter!” his father said. “how are you doing today?”

“a little better,” Yamaguchi answered.

“good.” His father sat down next to his mother and squeezed Yamaguchi’s hand for a second. “good.”

Yamaguchi Yawned. His mother helped him reach for a cup of water and gave him something to eat.

Eating was hard, and the doctor had told him to do it slowly, but it was nice to do something with his hand while his parents where there.

“we talked to the nurse,” his mother said. “she said that you will probably make a full recovery. It’s wonderful.”

“yes,” Yamaguchi said. “I’m relieved. I hope that I can come home soon.”

“we hope so too, sweetie,” his mother said with a sad smile, “we hope so too.”

“today I talked to the police,” his father said, “and…”

Before he could continue, Yamaguchi’s mom put his hand on her husband’s knee. She looked at him with fire in her eyes, and It made Yamaguchi a little bit uncomfortable, but he was also very thankful of her. She knew he didn’t want to talk about the police yet. She knew he couldn’t handle it, so he protected him.

His father immediately changed subjects, and for the rest of the time they just talked about nothing in particular.

It was strange for Yamaguchi to just chat with his parents. It was ages ago since he had a conversation like this with them. It wasn’t that they never talked, but just not in this way. His parents only talked with him about important stuff, like school and his future. Now they talked about food and the weather, and it took a while for Yamaguchi to get used to it, but he did enjoy it too.

After half an hour of talking he slowly started to get tired again, and his parents kept quiet. They asked him if he wanted to sleep, and he said yes. He even said sorry, because he felt like a weakling,

Now Yamaguchi was slowly drifting into sleep, while his mother stroke through his hair. It almost felt like he was a little kid again. It was a really nice memory of a nice time, and it made him feel satisfied. Would he finally feel completely safe? Would he finally not have to be scared anymore?

Of course not.

Because while falling asleep while his mother stroked his hair was relaxing, His sleep was restless. His body had been exhausted from everything that happened, and every time he had fallen asleep, he had drifted away so deep that there was no space for dreams.

This time however, his body was less exhausted and his sleep was less deep, so he was awaited by confusing and chaotic dreams. He saw faces, he heard talking, he felt rope against his wrists. Most of his dreams didn’t even contain any images, it was just him, somewhere in the dark, scared and in pain. He screamed, but nobody heard him. He was alone. BAM. Something against his head. And again, and again, and again. Weird sound and weird images. It was all very frightening.

When he finally woke up, he looked around in destress, only to find his father next to his side, squeezing his hand like crazy.

“dad,” he said softly, “that hurts a little.”

His dad looked up, and immediately let go of his hand.  “sorry,” he said, “you looked like you were in pain.”

“I had a nightmare.”

His father’s eyes widened. “ah, okay. I’m sorry.” He shifted in his chair. “your mom is getting some stuff from home. We decided that one of us in going to stay with you tonight. If you’re okay with that of course.”

Yes,” Yamaguchi said, sleepy, “thank you.”

He tried to slow his rapid breathing down.

_You are in a hospital. You are safe. Nobody is going to hurt you. You are safe._

His eyes suddenly went to the little table next to his bed, that somehow ended up full of stuff.  He looked at the boxes and bags, confused about what they were. There was also a vase with flowers.

“dad,” he asked, “what is all that, on the table.”

“Some kids from your school came by,” his dad answered, “They really wanted to see you, so I let them in, even if you were asleep. They left that for you.”

Yamaguchi’s face lit up. He immediately forgot about his nightmare.  “really?”

“yes.” his father smiled. “I’ve got to say, they were a strange bunch of children. They said they were all from your volleyball club.”

Yamaguchi couldn’t help but shiver. “dad,” he said, “dad, I…the volleyball club...”

He had never told his parents he had joined a club, and now it had come out without him noticing.

Surprisingly, his dad didn’t even seem to mind. He didn’t even let Yamaguchi finish his apology.

“A man’s got to keep his body fit, right?” his father said. “I honestly don’t know if I like it that my son hangs out with…this kind of people. But they all seemed incredibly worried about you and all wanted to see you really bad. So I guess they must be good friends of you, right?”

Yamaguchi nodded happily.

“I’ll come to one of your matches one day,” his father said, and Yamaguchi smiled even wider. He couldn’t believe that his father accepted volleyball so easily. He wanted to say something, some kind of thank you, but his father suddenly stood up from his chair.

“I’m going to the toilet for a bit. Why don’t you open the stuff those kids brought?”

Yamaguchi nodded and looked at the pile of stuff. He thought about his volleyball team, and a warm feeling travelled through his body. His volleyball team. _His_ volleyball team. And they were all worried about him. They all thought about him.

He picked up the first envelop. The whole team had left him presents.

The first present was a crumbled note form Hinata. It seemed to be written in a hassle and didn’t contain any punctuation whatsoever. Hinata wrote him about how happy he was that Yamaguchi was safe, and how worried he had been. Apparently the small  teen had been so excited to see Yamaguchi again that he had forgotten to buy a proper present, and he was very sorry. 

At the end of the note, there was one tiny sentence written in another handwriting:

_Also from Kageyama. Get better._

The whole thing was written on a the back of a test from Hinata that he hadn’t made that well.

The next present was from Asahi. Karasuno’s Ace had given him two fantasy novels and a empty notebook. Inside the notebook was a note that told Yamaguchi that Asahi hoped that he enjoyed the books. Asahi explained that he had included the notebook so that Yamaguchi could maybe write about his feelings and thoughts, to help him ease his mind.

Tanaka and Nishinoya had given him a giant bag of candy. They wrote Yamaguchi about their determination to protect him, and how they would never let anyone hurt him again. ‘ _We are your senpai after al.’_  They seemed very angry, and it scared Yamaguchi a little. Luckily they ended the note in a positive way, by telling Yamaguchi to eat all the candy he wanted.

Daichi’s present consisted of two DVD’s with nature documentaries. The neatly written note attached to it was serious, and even showed a little guilt, but the captain mostly reminded Yamaguchi that the Karasuno’s volleyball team would always be by his side. It was a nice reminder.

Ennoshita, Narita and Kinoshita had given him a cute alarm clock with the times of different continents, a volleyball magazine and a big puzzle book. They all wanted to be sure that he wouldn’t be bored in the hospital. Ennoshita had written him a note filled with things to do when you are sick, and had wished him to get better soon.

Maybe even the sweetest present was from Yachi. She had given him a giant teddy bear with a note attached to it that said:

_I cuddled this bear a lot when you were gone, so if you cuddle it now, we are indirectly cuddling each other._

Then there was still Suga’s present, the vase of flowers at the back of the table. There was an Origami piece attached to it, together with a note that told Yamaguchi that his senpai would always be there for him if he needed to talk.

The note was really sweet. The flowers where pretty. Dachi’s DVD’s and Asahi’s books looked interesting. The volleyball magazine and the puzzle book seemed fun. The alarm clock was cute and handy. Yachi´s bear was soft and warm, and Yamaguchi liked to imagine that it smelled like her. The candy was delicious. The note from Hinata and Kageyama was also sweet.

Still, there was one present that he hadn´t opened yet. One present that he was even more curious about then all the other presents together.

It wasn´t that all the other presents hadn´t been wonderful. They were all amazing. But when Yamaguchi opened the plastic bag at the end of the table, he couldn’t help but feel a much stronger emotion grow inside of him than just joy, something that made him almost tear up.

The thing inside wasn´t much more special then the DVD´s or the books. It was just an item like all the other things were items, but Yamaguchi knew better. He knew how much this thing meant to its owner, and what it meant that he had willingly given it to Yamaguchi.

Inside of the bag were Tsukishima’s headphones.

Yamaguchi reached inside of the bag and carefully put the pair of headphones in his lab. They were slightly worn out, but they were certainly Tsukki’s headphones, the ones that he wore every single day. Yamaguchi immediately recognised them. He hadn’t even ever used them himself, not even once. Now they laid nonchalantly in his lab, an mp3 player attached to the cord. Yamaguchi didn’t think he had ever seen Tsukki without his headphones the last couple of years, so it was strange to just hold them in his hands.

He carefully opened the note attached to it.

The text was short and simple.

Nothing special, you would think. Not enough for when your best friend lays in the hospital.

But Yamaguchi knew what it all meant. He could read between the lines, he could sniff up all the hidden meaning, he could feel the weight of what his best friend had done for him, even if it seemed so small.

Tsukki wasn’t one for big letters filled with emotions, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care. He cared, oh he cared so much, he just showed it in his own way. Tsukki’s way. And his way only involved  five lines of text:

_Tadashi,_

_If you want, you can listen to my music when you’re scared._

_My headphones and Mp3 player are yours now._

_See you soon,_

_Kei._

Yamaguchi stared at the note. He slowly put the headphones on his ears, started the Mp3 player and played a random song. The music closed him of from the world, silenced the sounds around him and made him forget about the pain. The pressure against his head felt remarkably nice, like the headphones where holding him together. Holding him safe. Holding him close to reality, but not so close that it hurt.

Tsukki’s headphones.

Or no, not Tsukki anymore.

Yamaguchi read the note again and looked at the way that his best friend had addressed him.

_Tadashi._

He smiled.

 _Thank you_ , he said in his mind. _Thank you, Kei._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaa, writing this chapter was so much fun!
> 
> I’ve been looking forward to this part, lol.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it just as much as I did!


	16. Chapter 16

Today was the third day that Yamaguchi was in the hospital. If everything was alright, he should be able to go home tomorrow. He was still severely injured, but the doctor agreed that he mostly needed to rest, and that he could probably do that better at home.

Yamaguchi still felt incredibly broken. His head was still bandaged and the headaches would probably stay for a couple of weeks. He needed to be incredibly careful not to make himself tired, as his head needed to heal.

He had broken two ribs. This meant that his chest hurt when he moved, and that breathing could be difficult. Sometimes, when fear overtook him and he started hyperventilating, his breaths would come out fast, panicky, and painful, which made the fear even worse. If that happened, Yamaguchi would put on Tsukki’s headphones and listen to music till he calmed down.

His hand was also bandaged, as Toshio had even broken his wrist when he had stood on it. His body was still covered in bruises, and he knew it would take weeks till his face would look even slightly normal again.

It had shocked him to look in the mirror. After the nurse had helped him to get to the toilet, he had spent some time there to look at his face. There were bruises everywhere. One of his eyes were blue. His nose looked deformed.  He looked overall miserable, beaten and horribly defeated.

He carefully touched his bruises. He almost didn’t believe they were real. Even though he felt them, even though they hurt, seeing them was another step closer to reality. His fingers hovered over the blue spots, over his cheeks and his neck, and he noticed that his freckles where hardly visible with all the damage that had been done.

For some reason, that made him incredibly angry.

Yamaguchi wasn’t proud of his freckles. He had even hated them, as they were one of the reasons that he got bullied. But still, after all these years, they had become a part of him. They made him who he was.

Seeing all those tiny dots being covered in bruised skin woke something up inside him that hadn’t been able to come out until now, and that was anger. Raw, unfiltered anger.

Yamaguchi smashed his uninjured hand into the sink. It hurt, but he didn’t even notice. His face went pale, his eyes went dark and his mouth went dry. Another hit against the sink.

“fuck.”

His voice sounded dark and distant. His hand kept hitting the sink.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!”

It wasn’t him that was shouting. It was something else deep inside of him, and it took him over, filled his veins with adrenaline and made him want to destroy things.

Not only things. Also people. He wanted to hurt people. He wanted to hurt the people that had done this to him, he wanted too…

“Fuck!”

Yamaguchi hit the sink one more time. He looked at the mirror, and couldn’t help but feel disgusted by himself.

He wasn’t used to anger. He didn’t know how to deal with it. And within seconds, almost unexpectedly, his rage died out.  He looked at his face in the mirror in terror, not sure what he needed to do now.

The anger was gone, all that was left was bitterness. Now both of his hands hurt, and he was close to crying again. One big painful sob escaped his mouth before he swallowed the pain and put up Tsukki’s headphones, hoping that the ugly feeling in his stomach would go away.  For minute he just stood there in front of the sink with the big headphones on his head. He put the music up way louder that he was allowed to with his injured head and closed his eyes.

_Please. Let it stop. Just let it all stop._

It didn’t stop. It never really stopped. There was always something in the back of his mind that terrorized him. It didn’t matter if it was fear, anger or sadness, it all felt equally horrible, and it all suffocated him.

Yamaguchi had noticed that ‘healing’ wasn’t something he was going to do overnight. Even though he was safe now, he really wasn’t, because he still didn’t feel in control.

He just wanted everything to go back to normal. But he realized that that was probably not going to happen soon.

He looked at himself in the mirror one more time and walked back to his bed. Hisae had helped him get to the bathroom, but he had insisted on walking back alone. It made him feel weak to rely on others for such simple tasks.

He stumbled into his room, his mind still filled with the aftermath of rage. He felt confused and a little dizzy, but quickly regained himself when his saw there was another person in the room. His eyes went wide. His mouth fell open.

Next to his bed stood a grey haired teenage boy with a lovely smile on his face.

“Suga!” Yamaguchi screamed, way louder then he intended. He immediately forgot all of his sorrow and felt his body fill with a feeling that he could only describe as ‘light’. He walked up to his senpai, filled with happiness and euphoria, and…

He hugged him. He wrapped his arms around Suga’s body and hugged him.

It wasn’t something he had planned to do. It wasn’t something he wanted to do. It just…happened. He couldn’t think clear, and a hug was his bodies first reaction.

Suga immediately reacted and wrapped his arms around Yamaguchi too. His hug was strong, almost too strong, but Yamaguchi melted in Suga’s arms. They held each other close, and it felt like the most normal thing in the world.

Suga was smaller than Yamaguchi, but Yamaguchi still felt incredibly safe and protected. He let his head rest against Suga’s head, his nose ruffling against the soft grey locks. His legs were trembling and his head was pounding, but in that small moment, he almost didn’t feel it.

Suga had always been a person of safety and positivity. A few memories popped up in his head, memories of an encouraging and supporting Suga in volleyball practice. Yamaguchi could slowly feel that same familiar feeling flow into him while he listened to his senpai’s breath. This feeling belonged to older times, when everything was still simple. When Yamaguchi was still happy and healthy.

Feeling it made him a little sad, in a nostalgic way, but he mostly felt relieved. Being in his senpai’s arms felt like coming home, even though they had never hugged before.

When they finally let go of each other it was a little awkward.

“sorry,” Yamaguchi said while scratching the back of his head, “I didn’t really mean to do that.”

Suga smiled and put his hand on Yamaguchi’s shoulder. “no, no, I’m way too happy to see you again. I would have jumped on your neck anyway.”

Yamaguchi smiled and blushed.

“you should go lay down,” Suga said, his voice suddenly a lot lower, “you look like you are about to faint.”

Only now did Yamaguchi remember that he was feeling miserable. He nodded and laid down on the bed again. Suga sat down on the chair next to him.

His senpai shifted around in his chair. “I hope you liked the presents we bought you.”

Yamaguchi smiled. “yes, I loved them! Your flowers are really pretty, Suga.”

Now it was suga’s time to blush. “thank you,” he said, “I wanted to give you a little colour in this white hospital room.”

It was silent for a few seconds. Yamaguchi’s stomach was still filled with light and happiness, Suga was still smiling, but the first excitement of seeing each other again had worn of.

They both suddenly remember the situation they were in, and even though Suga looked content, Yamaguchi could see sadness behind those twinkling eyes. He himself couldn’t deny the dark feeling in the pit of his stomach either.

Reality was still reality.

Suga lowered his eyes and seemed to be lost in thought a little. When he looked up again he showed a small and gentle smile.

“I find it so, so terrible, what happened to you, Yamaguchi,” He said, “I’m still really shocked that someone in our team has to go through something like this.”

His smile disappeared for a second. “I think I’m still in denial a little. I wished I could do something to help you…”

His smile appeared again. “But I’m sure that me being sad isn’t going to be something you need. I want to be strong for you.”

Suga looked at him with hopeful eyes. Yamaguchi suddenly had to think about Hisae. She really resembled Suga in a way.

“I’m really happy you’re here,” he said.

“the rest of the team is here to,” Suga said, “they are actually all waiting in the hall to see you. But I didn’t think it would be beneficial for you if we would all barge in at once, so I wanted to talk to you first. See how you are doing. I need to be sure you can handle a Nishinoya.”

Yamaguchi chuckled. “I’m pretty sure I can handle a Nishinoya. As long as he isn’t multiplying, I’ll be fine.”

“Oh, please not,” Suga said half serious, “although I do have to admit, Nishinoya was probably the most aggressively protective of your safety. Together with Tanaka of course. They  actually tried to find a way to sneak into the hospital at night so they could stand in front of your door.”

Yamaguchi was brought off guard by that. “wow.”

Suga laughed. “don’t look so surprised,” He said, “we all care so much about you. Nishinoya and Tanaka just want to be good senpai.”

“they are good senpai,” Yamaguchi whispered, more to himself then to Suga.

“well,” Suga said, “I thought we could maybe do this thing in pairs of two or three? That way you won’t be overwhelmed and everyone has the chance to talk to you.”

Yamaguchi nodded. “That’s fine by me.”

He shuffled around  under his blankets. He was so excited about seeing everyone again that he could hardly lay still. He had to keep himself calm though. If he would be to restless Hisae would maybe send his teammates away.

Suga went out to get the first to visitors.  Within a few minutes, a small boy with orange hair ran into the room.

“Yamaguchi!” Hinata screamed, almost colliding with the bed. “Yamaguchi, you’re awake!”

“I’m awake,” Yamaguchi conformed.

The second one to walk in was Yachi. She was shy, and somehow looked even smaller then she already was.

“Yamaguchi,” she said, “It’s good to see you.”

“It good to see you to,” Yamaguchi said. He smiled at her, as wide as he could.

She didn’t seem to be at ease. He wanted her to be comfortable with him, like she always was, but  she looked nervous and anxious.

She also didn’t want to walk further than halfway into the room. When Suga walked in and closed the door you could see her flinch.

The air felt heavy. Yamaguchi really didn’t like the troubled expression Yachi’s face.

_It’s my fault that she is like this._

“Yamaguchi,” Hinata said, pulling Yamaguchi out of his thoughts, “I brought a present for you.”

Hinata held out a big box for Yamaguchi to open. Yamaguchi eagerly ripped the paper away and looked inside.

“It’s also from Kageyama,” Hinata said, “he is not really good with giving gifts to other people, so I helped him a little.”

“thank Kageyama for me.”

Hinata blinked. “you can thank him yourself, if you want.”

“huh?”

Suga laughed. “Everyone is here remember? Kageyama wants to see you too. ”

“oh,” Yamaguchi said, “I’m sorry, I just kind of thought that Kageyama would be to buzzy with volleyball.”

“hmpf.”

Did Hinata just sound offended?

“If he wouldn’t come, I would drag him with me anyway. But open the present, I want to know if you like it.”

Yamaguchi ripped away the last part of the paper and opened the box. Inside was a brand new pair of beautiful volleyball shoes.

“waah,” Yamaguchi brought out. He picked one of the shoes up and took a closer look. “these are incredible. They are even better then Kei’s!”

Hinata shuffled around on his place. “I want you to come back to the team. With these shoes you can make even better serves.”

Yamaguchi smiled. “thank you so much Hinata, this is really nice.”

Hinata smiled like a ray of sunshine. He sat down on the chair next to the bed and just started babbling to Yamaguchi.

He talked about school. He talked about training. He talked a lot about volleyball.

He rambled and rambled and rambled, and even though Yamaguchi couldn’t always keep up with the pace, he loved listening to Hinata.

Hinata didn’t mention Yamaguchi’s situation one time. He didn’t talk about how horrible everything was. He didn’t talk about how hard it had been on him.

He just talked about what he loved, and for the first time Yamaguchi felt a little bit normal. He could feel his body and mind relax.

This was what he wanted.

Even Yachi came a little bit at ease because of Hinata. Hinata’s happy attitude was just to contagious. Within a few minutes the three of them were just chatting about anything and everything, like they would do at school.

Suga stood behind them and chatted along when it got silent. Yamaguchi could see that his senpai was keeping an eye on him,  probably to pick up any signs of pain or discomfort.  He told Yachi how happy he was with the bear, and even came out of bed to give her a proper hug.

After some time Hinata and Yaichi left again, making place for the text duo.

“Nishinoya and Asahi are next,” Suga said, “we thought it was a good idea to keep the over active people kind of separated, so you won’t be overwhelmed. So after that  we’ll have Tanaka and Ennoshita. Then Daichi and Kageyama. And Narita, Kenoshita and Kiyoko.”

Yamaguchi smiled. “I can’t wait.”

Suga smiled back “good.”

There was a small silence.  Something wasn’t quite right.

“Suga?” Yamaguchi asked, feeling strangely nervous.

“hmm?”

Yamaguchi took a deep breath. He held on to the mp3 player that still laid in his hand.

“Kei,” he said, blushing because he wasn’t used to saying that out loud yet, “Tsukki is here too, right? When is he gonna come?”

For some reason, Suga’s smile suddenly disappeared.

“He will come…” Suga said, carefully picking words. “just…be patient.”

Yamaguchi could feel the nasty feeling in his stomach grow.

When Suga left to get Nishinoya and Asahi, He couldn’t help but worry.

What was going on with his best friend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a separate work with all the full letters that the Karasuno boys wrote to Yamaguchi! you can read them [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7198976).  
> I also just had to draw Yamaguchi with Tsukki's headphones. Excuse my limited drawing skills though. You can find the drawing [here](http://gayhaikyuuties.tumblr.com/image/145907075732), on my tumblr.
> 
> See you in the next chapter! please tell me If you liked this one ^^


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise Tsukishima POV!

Tsukishima sat on a wooden bench in front of the hospital.

This was the bench that he had been sitting at the last three days. He had been sitting here the whole day when Yamaguchi had just arrived after the car crash. He had been sitting here the next day, together with the rest of the team, while Yamaguchi was sleeping. And now he was sitting here again, looking at the parking lot in front of him, knowing that he could probably just as well be home, if being home hadn’t made him so uncomfortable the last few days.

He hadn’t actually been inside the hospital yet. When he had gotten the phone-call  from Yamaguchi’s parents that Yamaguchi was found, he had biked to the hospital, but he hadn’t felt the need to go inside. He had just waited there, in front of the hospital walls, on this bench.

He had been sitting there for hours, but even when it started to rain, he didn’t want to go inside.

Going inside had no purpose. He wasn’t going to be able to see Yamaguchi anyway. Tsukishima didn’t want to deal with the reality of a hospital, filled with sick and dying people, just to be disappointed later on.

Staying home was unbearable. Staying home was like fleeing, like denying reality, like running away. Staying home felt like being a coward, like not caring enough, like being selfish. Staying home was dangerous. Staying home meant being far away, it meant not being able to help, it meant uncertainty and regret.

Going into the hospital was unbearable too. Going in was like being too close to danger, like purposely walking into a trap, like burning your hand at a uncontrollably flame. Going in felt like losing control, like falling out of your comfort zone, like accepting that life was horrible. Going in was like saying goodbye to something you didn’t want to lose. Going in was painful and hard and impossible.

The bench was precisely in in the middle of those two things. It was close, but not too close. It was safe, but not too safe.

Sitting on the bench, Tsukishima could get the best of both worlds. He could  still cling to the safety that he desperately needed while still being relatively close to his friend.

He could still kind of pretend like all of this wasn’t real.

Sitting on the bench, he could still escape into the idea that everything would be the same again. He could look back at his life and pretend that looking forward wouldn’t be drastically different.

By going into the hospital he would have to completely accept the future, and he just didn’t want that. He wanted to live in the lie a little longer.

He hated himself for that, but he just couldn’t help it. Still, he was already slowly slipping into reality. He knew he couldn’t run forever.

He was sitting here for the third day now. Without headphones. He hadn’t bought new ones yet after he had asked Suga to bring Yamaguchi his old ones. It just felt wrong.

He hated it that the absence of the feeling of his headphones around his neck constantly reminded him that things were really not the same as they were before, but he knew he would have hated it even more if he wouldn’t have given Yamaguchi anything.

Yesterday, when the team was there too, Tsukishima had still refused to go inside. Yamaguchi was asleep. There was no reason to go see someone who slept.

Tsukishima knew that Yamaguchi was badly injured and he couldn’t handle the imagines that popped up in his head. He really didn’t want to see the real thing. He didn’t want to deal with the reality of his friend being hurt, just to see him sleeping. He just couldn’t do it.

He had explained it to the team the best he could. He had mostly just grumpily said that he didn’t feel like it and that seeing someone sleep was pointless.

He knew that wasn’t entirely true. He did want to see Yamaguchi, he wanted to see Yamaguchi so incredibly bad, but he wanted to see the old Yamaguchi. He wanted to see the Yamaguchi he knew. He wanted that Yamaguchi back, And that wasn’t going to happen. Never. He just wasn’t ready to deal with that.

He had given Suga his headphones and a note to give to Yamaguchi. Suga had smiled at him, had said that he understood, but Tsukishima knew he really didn’t. Nobody did.

Now he was sitting on the bench again, it was the third day, and he had ran out of excused to stay outside.

Yamaguchi was awake. The rest was already inside, waiting till they could see their teammate, and Tsukishima had said he would come in a few minutes.

He didn’t want to. He really didn’t want to.

But he didn’t really have a choice, didn’t he? He couldn’t just run away forever. He had to face reality someday.

Yamaguchi’s parents had called him on that evening to bring the bad news, and he had to bring that message over to the team. It was his job to do, he didn’t have a choice. Yamaguchi’s parents didn’t even know that the volleyball team existed.

After he had heard the news, he had taken a shower. A long one. He sat on the cold tiles, his knees pulled up to his chest, His arms wrapped around his legs and his face buried in his knees. The hot water poured down on his back and his shoulders, turning them painfully wet. He only came out after his mother got angry with him, something that didn’t do him anything at all. It was like he suddenly had lost the ability to get upset about things.

After he  turned off the water he just sat there in silence for a few minutes, not wanting to get out of the shower. This little room filled with steam felt safe, while everything outside of that was apparently dangerous. When he finally got out he completely forgot to dry himself. He mindlessly pulled his old clothes over his soaking wet body. When his mother asked him why he was still wet, the words just rolled out of his mouth.

“something is wrong with Yamaguchi.”

There, in the hall next to the bathroom, he had told her the whole thing. He did it quick, without to many details, knowing that he would block out if she would get the time to ask him to sit down with her in the living room.

He hadn’t cried. He hadn’t cried at all in those four days, not even after Yamaguchi was found again. Some part of him really wanted to cry, another part of him was afraid to cry.

His mother had asked him what she could do for him. He had just told her to call Daichi, because he felt like the volleyball club had to know. He really didn’t want to deal with that himself though. Just the thought of having to do that made him nauseas. His mother agreed, helped him change into dry clothes, fetched him a warm cup of thee and  basically send him to bed.

Tsukishima really wanted to sleep, but he knew he couldn’t. He felt more tired that he had ever been, but everything inside him told him to stay awake. While he laid in bed he heard his phone go of a dozen of times. Every time it felt like another slap in the face. Those must be messages from his teammates.

He knew the team knew about it too, now. He knew it was a good thing, he knew he couldn’t keep them out of it, but he still didn’t like it. The more people that knew about it, the more real it was. He eventually just turned off his phone.

He couldn’t sleep, so he spent the whole night listening to music.

Listening to music had basically been all he had done the last couple of days, and when he had given his headphones to Suga it had truly felt like sacrificing his soul.

He really hoped that Yamaguchi realized that. Tsukishima didn’t have the guts to tell his best friend how much he cared about him, so he had to use other ways.  Giving away the headphones was Tsukishima’s way of telling Yamaguchi he cared about him, but it was also an apology.

Tsukishima felt guilty. He didn’t really feel a lot actually, he had been strangely emotionless about everything that happened, to the point where it scared him a little. Still, deep in his stomach, it felt like he was burning, and the hottest flames where the ones of guilt. he sat on the bench, knowing that his friend was awake, knowing that his teammates were about to visit him, but also knowing that he wasn’t going to stand up.

He just couldn’t do it.

He looked on his phone every five minutes or so, counting down how long it would take for his teammates to get out of the hospital.  The time moved further mercilessly, ticking away at a ridicules speed. Every second that he was sitting on this bench, he was not sitting next to Yamaguchi’s bed. The hot and painful feeling in his stomach grew bigger, consuming now also his whole chest. It almost felt like he couldn’t breathe.

Who would be in Yamaguchi’s room right now, while Tsukishima was sitting here in the cold wind? How long would it take for all of his teammates to visit? What would they be talking about? Would they cry? Would it be miserable?

Or would it be…

Nice?

He shook his head, like he physically wanted to shake that thought out of his head. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want this.

He looked at his phone again, knowing that the visits would probably almost be over. He could still go. If he stood up right now and walked into the hospital, he could be with Yamaguchi in five minutes.

It almost felt unbelievable. Too good to be true. To easy.

And way, way to cruel.

The door behind Tsukishima sometimes opened when someone went in or left, and it always closed at a mockingly slow pace.  It was an automatic door for god sake. He could just stand in front of it and it would open before him, leading him into the hospital. He didn’t even have to pull or push against a heavy object, he just had to wait there and let the door open itself.

It was so easy.

It felt so cruel. It felt mean, like the universe wanted to remind Tsukishima what kind of a jerk he was by putting that door next to him.

Because it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t easy at all. Tsukishima sat on the bench, feeling his feet twitch under his body. He wanted to get up. He wanted to get up so bad. But he just couldn’t do it. It was too hard. There were too much barriers to break, and he couldn’t punch through them.  He would just have to wait. Wait until the clouds in his head moved away and gave him space to think. Wait until the thought of going inside didn’t make him nauseous anymore, didn’t make him shake.

So he stood up. In one go. His legs felt stiff from the long sitting, but that didn’t keep him from walking.

Now it was suddenly easy. Standing up and walking had become easy again, like It was supposed to be.

Walking away from something was always easier. Even though Tsukishima’s stomach was twitching and turning with guilt, even though his head was stinging and his hands were trembling, even though he felt like the worst friend on the planet, It was still easier.

It wasn’t easy, but going in was impossible, so it felt like the only possibility he had.

Tsukishima walked away at a fast pace, leaving the hospital behind without looking back.

He wanted to cry. He really wanted to cry.

He didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I was kind of having a massive writers block. That's why this chapter is kind of late.
> 
> I wanted to get into Tsukki's head more, so I decided to do a chapter from his perspective. It really helped me focus and break through that writers block. 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter!


End file.
